all those other things that make a difference

Although this blog is about my journey as a polyamorous person, today I realized that I need to write about some of those other things that make up my life. Things like my job, my health (physical and emotional) and the other interests/activities that make up my life. How all those things are going does play a major factor in how my polyamorous life proceeds. Sometimes poly-related troubles need to be put on hold to deal with those other pesky bits.

Like now: despite our best intentions Lora, Jon, and I didn’t talk on the day that we planned to. Why? Because Jon got sick on a few days earlier, and though he was mostly better by the day we planned to talk, Lora and I had started to come down with his bug (oh, the joys of germ-sharing and poly).

On top of that, I’ve had work and health issues that have been ongoing for months. Both of those things have had some recent developments that have taken a lot of mental and emotional energy. In the case of my job, the news is good. My company was unexpectedly (to us little folk) bought about six months ago by a larger company. Since then, it’s looked like my department would stay as it was, like it would be completely disbanded, like my boss would be fired and we would report to someone else, like half of us would be fired…nearly every possible permutation and many of them would have meant that I lost my job. Happily, the situation has finally been resolved (and just in time for the holidays) and the end result was that no jobs were lost. Nonetheless, it’s been a deeply stressful time. And finally getting the good news about my department was tainted by news that other departments weren’t so lucky. While I’m grateful that I’m going to be OK, and my department-mates are going to be OK, having a bunch of other coworkers no longer have jobs is hard.

Health-wise, I’ve been having a whole host of health problems that have stopped me from being my best. Recently, it’s looking like some of these problems may be permanent; I might have to redefine what “my best” is. In addition to that being a bitter, bitter pill to swallow (you mean I *don’t* have an immortal, indestructible body?!), navigating the complicated maze of forms, authorizations, and referrals that make up the US healthcare system takes a lot of time and energy.

Some days, trying to maintain the juggling act of day-to-day work issues, following-up with doctors, and trying to take care of my health in the ways that I can control (eating good food, sleeping enough, exercising a bit when possible) is enough to render me exhausted. Trying to add having an emotionally-charged poly conversation/negotiation would be the straw that broke this tired camel’s back.

And these are the things that are just my problems. Lora is recovering from quitting her job and finals being over. Jon is still pretty wiped out from the craziness of long hours of holiday party planning and just got over having that bug that Lora and I now have.

So what do we do?

We’re making it up as we go along! Fake it ’til we make it? More like we’ll try out different things until we see what works for us (I can just feel the learning accumulating…). The current plan is to make some time-allowances for all of us getting into a better place to talk, while keeping in mind what we do need to talk about, and that we need to make getting into better mental/emotional space a priority for that. We’ve had several conversations in the past few days about other, smaller issues that need to be addressed, and made a conscious decision to table those until we can have the bigger, more important discussion.

While we certainly wouldn’t table a more needful conversation just because it came to light after we’d decided to set aside time and energy for something else (as my stress about Lora quitting her job and changing how much couple time Jon and I could have together, as well as how our living dynamic would change with her home 24/7 was partially addressed immediately so that I was reassured that Jon and I would be able to have some alone time, and that we would figure out what else can be done to make the situation feel better for all of us), it is worthwhile for us all to remember that our goal is to have a serious discussion about the bedrooms soon. Once we figure out how to proceed in relation to the bedrooms and what we can do to make sure that we all feel good about our living space, then we can take a look at smaller things. One of the benefits to tabling some of those smaller things is that we all agreed that some of those smaller things will probably get sorted on their own, once we’ve figured out the bedroom situation.

That’s all for now. I think the next few days is going to involve putting some work issues to rest and getting my health into a good enough place where I feel like I have room to pick up the emotional bits again. Hopefully there will be good things to report, once we decide how we want to tackle the bedrooms and start actually doing things. And celebrating the holidays! We’ll have to fit that in there somewhere too – although the biggest holiday gift I could get this holiday would be to figure out how to handle this bedroom situation in a way that makes everybody feel good. Runner up gift would be convincing the cats not to band together and tackle the Christmas tree. There have already been a couple attempts. I see heavily weighted tree stands and guy wires in our future…





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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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