Lora sometimes comes in when Jon and I are sleeping together to talk to Jon. I’m not sure how I feel about this because I want her to come in if there’s an emergency (like a fire) or a crisis, or something really important. But I’m not really sure what to do when…ok, this is obviously important to Lora. But is it “wake Jon up at 2am” important? Not to mention, if I wake up, should I tell them I’m awake? Tell them to leave the bedroom to talk? Ask her to leave the bedroom so we can sleep?
Last week, Lora came to tell Jon something. I woke up to her loudly whispering “I need to tell you something” (she was standing in the doorway, and I was laying closest to the door, with Jon on my other side). I thought it was going to be an “I love you! G’night!” or something like that. Instead, he asks what, and Lora says “I’m still not spending enough time with you”.
Before I continue on, I should mention that Lora and Jon had a date night the day before, which was a Sunday. I was somewhat aggravated by this, and mulling over whether or not to say something about my aggravation – and if it was justified. The thing that aggravated me was Lora is currently not working – she’s doing her school work, which she needs to work on every day, but she can arrange to do that whenever it suits her. Jon’s starting to work again, but he’s working once or twice a week at most. I, as usual, work my full-time job from nine am until six or seven or eight. So the only time that I ever get the chance to see Jon for more than a few hours is on the weekends. Having over half of one of those precious weekend days given to their date night is frustrating, especially given that there’s no conversation of “oh Liz, why don’t you spend most of Saturday with Jon, since we’re going to be out for much of Sunday?”. On Saturday, Jon had an appointment that took him out of the apartment for half to day to get settled, so Saturday’s much shorter time was split equally between Lora and I, even though all the previous week, I had a lot of work, so I wasn’t getting home until eight or nine each night.
On one hand, I want to speak up about something like that and say “Hey guys, could you make your dates be on a day that’s NOT one of my only two days of the week off – especially given that Lora isn’t working and Jon only worked once last week, so it would be easy for you to go out on a week day?” (no worries about getting up in time for work the next day. plus, not as many people out. hell, if I had the time, *I* would love to do my dates with Jon on a week day!) On the other hand, I worry that I’m being selfish and making everything about me and my needs. It’s just…I would do (and have done) the same for Lora. When she was working, I always kept an eye on her work schedule, because if I noticed that she had a run of days when she and Jon weren’t seeing each other much, I made sure to let them both know that I was going to amuse myself the next time she and Jon both had a day off, so that they could spend most of their time together (if it was a weekend day – during the week, work “amuses” me for most of the day so I already have something to do so they can have time together then). Lora does occasionally reciprocate in that manner, but it’s pretty rare, and it seems like it’s usually after Jon has pointedly said something about barely seeing me for awhile.
Point being, I worry about being selfish. But I also feel frustrated with both Lora and Jon that they don’t seem to notice when there is a large discrepancy between the amount of time that Lora and I spend with Jon, if I’m the one having limited time. Or maybe they do notice, but don’t say something.
When it goes the other way around, trust me, Lora is very vocal about it until she has been assured that she’ll be able to spend extra time with Jon (and maybe that’s my answer; if Lora feels comfortable being vocal, then I should too. except that feels shitty, like we’re fighting over his time, even if we’re not actually fighting. But I hate this feeling that if I don’t keep track and speak up constantly, no one else will notice or speak up for me).
Anyways, this is where I was at that moment. Saturday Jon was out for half the day, and neither of us saw him until the evening, which he split between the two of us. Sunday, they went out for their date day and in the morning, Jon said he was feeling out of sorts and needed a few hours alone, so I worked while he his alone time, and then Jon and Lora were gone from mid-afternoon until late evening. I saw him for a couple of hours in the late evening, which was great, but I felt frustrated because I hadn’t spent more than a couple of hours with him since the previous weekend. Then Monday (the day that Lora came in after we went to sleep to talk to Jon), I ended up being at work until eight (while Jon and Lora were home all day). Jon and I did see each other from when I got home until eleven-thirty bed time, but once again, we’re spending two to three hours together, tops.
This time we get lately, it’s all at the end of the day. It’s part of what makes week days suck so much for seeing Jon. With the health problems that I’m having lately, I’m exhausted even when I’ve only worked a normal workday. Only fitting a few hours with Jon into the evenings for the past week makes me feel like I can’t see him when I’m at my best, and able to be enthusiastic and more engaged with him. It’s one more added thing that makes the whole situation all the more frustrating for me (Jon and Lora are both aware of these health issues, as I’m currently unable to a number of normal physical activities and have a hard time with a bunch of other things).
So when I wake up to Lora telling Jon that she’s still not spending enough time with him, I get a little pissed. This isn’t a conversation that I want to be woken up to. Especially not when I’ve barely seen Jon for the past week and am aware that they’ve been home together every day but one for the past week AND that they did their date night on one of the two days that I have a chance to see Jon for more than two or three hours. As I’m laying there deciding if I should say anything, and what I would say, Jon whispers “Lora, there *isn’t* any more time. The last few days have been a *lot* of time; I’ve barely seen Liz the past week”.
Lora doesn’t say anything. After a moment, she leaves, and I hear the door close.
And I wonder what (if anything) I should say. And I start to get really concerned about this time thing, and if I can trust Lora to be a fair and self-aware metamour.