One thing I’ve noticed in our time all together is that Jon doesn’t like to talk to me about having sex with Lora, or talk to Lora about having sex with me. On the Lora end of things, he said it’s because Lora’s having a really hard time with her body image now and telling her that we’re having sex while she feels fat and ugly would be hurtful to her. With me, it’s easier to avoid the conversation all together – given that I’m at work for much of the day five days of the week, I assume that they have sex a lot (though not all) of the time when I’m at work.
This concerns me for several reasons. The first one is that if I knew they were having sex and I was going out or on my way home, I’d be happy to stay out a bit longer to give them privacy. It’s a bit awkward to come home when they’re in the middle of it. Especially since they’re quieter if I am home (just as Jon and I are quieter if Lora is home), and sometimes they seem embarrassed when they exit the bedroom after loud sex and realize that I’ve been home for awhile.
Honestly, I have a fair amount of discomfort listening to them having sex. I feel awkward, jealous, like I’m intruding on them, irritated, lonely, slightly turned on, uncomfortable with feeling turned on, which irritatingly makes me feel even more turned on (I have a bit of a kink about feeling uncomfortable in certain situations. It’s far more annoying than anything else). I haven’t yet figured out how to handle these feelings – if there’s a way to feel less of the negative feelings and more compersion or simply more neutrality, or if this is always going to be a “grit my teeth and bear it” thing at best.
This isn’t to say that I don’t want them to have sex when I’m at home – though I would love to get more of a heads up if they’re planning on having sex. If I knew, I’d either put on a loud fan for some white noise, or maybe listen to music on my headphones. This is less because I HAVE to do it and more because I’d feel more comfortable now, and I think it’s a fairly reasonable thing to do. I hope it’s a fairly reasonable to do.
I wouldn’t expect them to *always* tell me when they’re going to have sex either. But I’d assume that they’re sex life is much like me & Jon’s sex life. Sometimes it’s spontaneous, but a fair amount of the time, it’s planned. Especially when schedules get crazy, one of us is likely to say to the other “hey, I know I’m not going to see you much the next week, so let’s make tomorrow night a deliberately special sex and snuggles night”. I wouldn’t mind either letting Lora know that too (in case she wants to put headphones on).
Another reason is that now that Lora is going out to the gym more often (even without Jon* ), maybe she’d be willing to stay out longer if she knew what we were up to (or maybe not, in which case…well…that’s another problem that should be addressed). Also…it feels really awkward and shitty when Lora asks what we’re going to be up to while she’s gone and Jon tells her that we’re just going to watch TV or clean. Chances are good that yes, we are going to do those things, it’s not an actual lie. But we’re also going to have sex, and if knowing that we’re going to have sex when Lora is gone is such an enormous burden to her self-esteem that she needs to be shielded from that knowledge, then I am going to start getting concerned about Lora’s ability to be happy in a polyamorous relationship where she shares a home with a metamour.
I’m so tired of secrets. I’m tired of being a secret (to Lora’s family). I’m tired of treating our sex life like a secret (that has to be kept from Lora).
And I’m really worried about the pattern that I’m seeing here.
*As Lora has begun to feel stir-crazy without a job and is concerned that she’s not getting much exercise, she’s decided to start going to the gym nearly daily. Despite the social anxiety, she feels that tiring herself out and doing something proactive for her health is worth the stress of being out alone.