When we picked up our communication about time for the rest of the week, it was in email (we’d been waiting for both Jon’s schedule and my schedule to become available, since business trips sometimes shift the days that I’m needed in the office). Thursday and Friday would see both Jon and me working most of the day, but on the weekend we’d all be around. It was date week for Jon and me, so we decided that Jon and I would go out for our date on Saturday night. I had a friend that I wanted to spend the afternoon/evening with on Sunday, so I suggested that Sunday afternoon/evening could be a nice little bit of alone time for Lora and Jon (you know, besides the alone time they get five days a week between eight and seven, when I’m at work*). I also suggested that Lora go out on Saturday, so that Saturday Jon and I could have some totally private time together at home, and then we could go out. Lora came back with the counter suggestion that she’d really like to do our alone time thing on Sunday, because she didn’t have a lot of schoolwork and also, if she did it Saturday, then she’d hardly see Jon on Saturday.
I told Jon that I was OK with this plan, but with two caveats.
The first one was that if Saturday (or Sunday) turned into Lora saying “Oh, I misjudged my schoolwork again and I’m not sure if I can go out Sunday” and or “Ok, I can go out, but only for an hour or two, because I misjudged my schoolwork”, then the next time this “Let’s do it on Sunday” thing is suggested, my answer will be a hard no. It would be a hard no and a “First Lora needs to get better at managing her school work, and then we can try this again, maybe in a month, but for the next month, Lora needs to choose a day that isn’t Sunday”. My patience has been given enough “Oh, next week it’ll be better”s or “This was just a one-time mistake”s for me to continue believe that.
The second caveat was that it was interesting how Lora acknowledged that it really sucked when she had a day when she barely saw Jon due to schedule conflicts like that. Because I’ve been having that happen several times a week on a weekly basis for the past two months, and because I work five days a week my changes to have extra make-up time with Jon during the week are much scanter than Lora’s. Point being, if Lora’s unwilling to have a single day with Jon feel “too short” by her estimation, then I am done being ok with me having days where I barely see Jon because of Lora and Jon’s plans and assuming that it’ll all even out later – I know it won’t and I’ll end up feeling more pissed off and like my easygoing nature is being taken advantage of.
pull between two people. I don’t want my home to feel like I need to lay down hard lines in order to feel that my needs are being respected. I’m not sure how I feel about how it seems like weneed to have this level of specificity about time. Maybe in time it will feel more natural, and comfortable. I need to think about this more. Maybe there’s a way to reframe the overall situation so that it feels more comfortable. Or maybe in time it will just feel more comfortable and natural and fair. Assuming that these next few days do play out well and show me that we *can* work time out better, that would go a long ways towards me feeling willing to continue to try and work on this and see if it can really improve.
* Do I sound like I’m harping on this? I totally admit to harping on this. I feel like we need to establish, front and center, that as long as Lora isn’t working, Lora and Jon will always have far more opportunities to spend extra time together, and that our overall time schedule should take advantage of that (meaning, put a lot of their alone time when I’m out of the house), so that when Jon and I are home at the same time, we’re able to take advantage of that accordingly.