I’ve mentioned several times now that there is some back history to Lora and I having a difficult start in getting to know each other, and being good metamours. Things have been quiet, which have allowed me to finish a series of posts on those circumstances. I think remembering how we started is important, both because it reminds me that we have truly made some great progress in our relationships, and also because it reminds me that when I’m wary of Lora continuing to improve, it’s reasonable for me to be cautious, because we’ve had some really rough times.
The first part of our getting-to-know-each-other time proceeded smooth-ish. The first major holiday to come up when Jon was seriously dating both me and Lora was the Fourth of July. We had been invited to a party at a friend’s home set on the hillside of a neighboring town. That particular year, the fireworks were being set off at a location that made our friend’s steep backyard an ideal location to watch. I was excited about seeing the fireworks with Jon and Lora, and spending our first holiday together (even if it wasn’t a holiday any of us considered major). Unfortunately, Lora wasn’t feeling well that day, so she didn’t attend. She also didn’t want to spend the day alone (and had felt strongly about that night being a night that she and Jon spent together), and she was worried about Jon driving when fireworks were going off, so she very much wanted him home before the fireworks. Jon and I still went to the party and spent a few hours before he went back to stay with Lora. I was bummed that we didn’t get to see the fireworks together, but it wasn’t a huge deal, and I didn’t want Lora to feel lonely, so it seemed like a small thing. Disappointed, but within the realm of reason.
For Jon’s birthday in August, things were also a bit of a bummer. Jon isn’t a big birthday person and he specifically didn’t feel like having a party, so he invited a bunch of his friends and colleagues to a bar for drinking and hanging out. Lora didn’t feel well again (to put it succinctly, between Lora’s social anxiety and depression, she is much more likely to stay in or cancel going to an event at the last minute than actually go. I learned this over time), so she stayed home. I had a nice evening celebrating with Jon, and he stayed with Lora that night as well, as she felt strongly that she wanted to celebrate and spend private time with him that night, since she didn’t go to his bar get-together.
Before I go further, I should mention that this was before the three of us started ever sleeping in the same bed together. At the time of Jon’s birthday, I’d met/seen Lora several times. We’d exchanged emails, but between Lora being very introverted and her tendency to not be great at keeping up with emails, I wasn’t sure if Lora liked me or wanted to spend time with me. Jonathan assured me that she *did* like me and wanted to get to know me better, but she was shy, had a lot of schoolwork, and needed time to get comfortable with the idea of getting to know me. I wanted to believe that, and I tried to keep an open mind, but I was starting to wonder. Besides the 4th and Jon’s birthday, there had been several other attempts at get-togethers that were cancelled at the last minute – always with good reasons (last minute school work being to hard, Lora coming down with the flu), but the lack of success in spending time together was starting to make me nervous.
Anyways-back to Jon’s birthday. I was glad to spend time with him at his birthday get together, but I was bummed that Lora wasn’t there. I did want Lora to also spend birthday time with Jon, but I was also a bit frustrated that I wouldn’t be spending the night with Jon (and hadn’t spent the night before with him either). I was also worried about pushing things too quickly, as we’d only been dating for a few months, and we hadn’t had a major talk about the future, so broaching ideas like sleeping all together or how much we meant to each other and what that mean for all four relationships (Jon and Lora’s, Jon and mine, mine and Lora’s, and our combined trio-dynamic relationship). Although I felt like bringing those things up on his birthday would have been a bad idea (as well as hijacking his day), I resolved to bring it up to him soon.
As it happens, he beat me to it. Or maybe we brought it up spontaneously. I forget how it started, but I remember that breathless tingling moment when we both realized that we wanted to have The Talk about how we felt about each other. Serendipitously, we felt the same way. We were falling in love with each other. If things continued to progress well, we wanted to be together daily, building things together, sharing our lives and our homes.
How does Lora figure into our futures? I wanted to know. Jon told me that he’d always felt at his healthiest when he had two serious relationships at the same time. He does occasionally also date someone(s) in a more superficial manner (if both he and another person are interested in such a relationship – for example former partners who he still shares a warm and loving bond with, but for whatever reason, they aren’t able to closely entwine their lives), but he feels best with two serious partners. From a practicality standpoint, he’s found that two is his partner limit when it comes to relationships that he can support, nurture, and spend significant time with daily. He currently had such a relationship with Lora (who was aware that he was open to (and most comfortable with) nurturing two relationships at the same level) and he had hopes that he and I could also have such a relationship.
If that was the case, then my most immediate concern now was definitely getting to know Lora better. Jon and I wanted to live together sometime in the near-ish future (not immediately, but within the next year or two) and before that could happen, it would be important to see how well Lora and I got on. Jon also needed to have a talk with Lora about his deepening feelings for me, and how he would like us to being making plans towards all living together. To be clear, Lora already knew that Jon cared about me a lot, wanted to see me multiple times a week, and wanted me to be an important part of his life. But by Jon and I having a discussion that confirmed my feelings were the same, that changed the nature of Jon’s feelings and plans with me from “I hope” to “Let’s plan”. And that change was something that had to be talked through with Lora. Though that talking seemed to go well (Lora expressed happiness that Jon had found another person that he was happy to be with and also told him she wanted to make plans to spend time with me and get to know me better), there was more going on behind-the-scenes in Lora’s mind (and a lot insecurity taking her into some very negative places) than she was letting on.
Which takes us to part two – when Insecurity invites it’s friend Control in to live with you.