Though it’s not terrible either.
Jon asked for a few more weeks to talk to Lora about having solo therapy before I get involved. He thinks that it’ll be a lot easier for him to talk to her about it than me. I agree, if for no other reason than I just really don’t want to have that conversation with her.
He was very surprised that felt still felt so negative about living with her, as their fighting has gotten better. I pointed out to him that I cannot reasonably tell if their fighting has gotten better because her difficulty dealing with conflict has gotten better (I don’t think it is -why would it have? She hasn’t worked on it at all) OR if it’s because she has a job again, and that eats into her time and her energy, so fights are much fewer and far between. When we first moved in together and she had a job, there were far fewer fights. But there were still hinky things that went on.
Beyond fighting is all the little things that happen all the time, like her telling Jon that she was upset because he snapped at her when she was vacuuming and and him a question. She frequently approaches him and is already angry at him because she thinks that he did something wrong when he didn’t. Those situations can go anywhere from a 10 minute terse talk to a days-long fight. And so many of them are just…stupid. Lora can snap at so many things. And yet, at the same time, when I’ve seen Jon make a simple request to her, not to do something or say something a certain way, that can turn into an hours-long fight that involves Lora screaming awful things to Jon. Which is why I don’t really say much to Lora about the things that I don’t like that she does or says – if she screamed at me the way she screams at Jon, we’d have to stop living together.
I told Jon that. That I’m not nearly as forgiving of those things. Or – I can certainly forgive them. But my feeling on them past forgiveness goes “If I can’t trust someone to treat with me respect when we’re fighting and if I can count of them to say abusive things to me or simply blow things enormously out of proportion, then I don’t want to live with that person and be subjected to have behavior 27/4”. Since we’re trying to avoid no longer living together, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to go there. Especially since Lora was supposed to start therapy soon, which would have (I hoped) take care of those overreactions of hers. But, if she’s not getting therapy, then it’s not going to get better.
I told Jon I’d give him his few weeks. I also told him that when those things come up that really bother me, I will start calling them out – it’s funny in a sad way. At first he said I should point things out. And then I said, what I said above – when I see him point things out, she gets upset well out-of-proportion with whatever is being asked at her, and it turns into a huge, awful fight. Since Lora says shitty abusive things when fighting – things that would cause me to choose to not live with someone – it seems like a very frightening and potentially living-situation-ending road to go down. But…I then said…if Lora’s not getting therapy, then I guess I need to start pointing those things out, and then if that ridiculous fight happens, then I need to point out that getting into those kinds of fights is why Lora needs therapy.
When I said that, then Jon backpedaled a bit and said that maybe I shouldn’t bring things up with her – give him a chance to talk to her again about getting therapy first. I said “Nope, you’re right, I should start saying things, so I’m going to say things. I’ll still give you time to bring up therapy also, in that, I won’t sit down with Lora (yet) to have a talk with her about how she promised that she would get help and her not going through with that promise is a deal-breaking to me – so which is it: therapy or we stop living together? But I will start calling out things that she says/does that aren’t healthy.” He didn’t look thrilled about that. I’m not thrilled either. Living with my partner and his abusive, controlling, super-sensitive-to-any-kind-of-criticism partner and listening to her be abusive towards him, as well as feeling like I can’t bring up problems with her because of her tendency to overreact and start screaming fights filled with hateful words is pretty not fucking thrilling to me. In fact, it fucking sucks as a living situation and I’m completely and utterly tired of being in it, especially in light of her current “No, I don’t *really* need therapy” change of mind.
The last thing I feel like mentioning now is that he said how Lora feels like having therapy is admitting that she’s really fucked up, and that she fucks things up, and that she’s a bad person. She doesn’t want to face those things, which is a big reason for why she’s taken the “No, I don’t *really* need therapy” tack.
First of all, Lora has said (I have heard her say) that she knows that therapy is a great tool for people, because people do struggle with things and sometimes need outside help. If that apples to people, it should apply to her. Secondly, she does act liking a raving asshole who has admitted that she has anger problems, so um, therapy? Thirdly, I don’t really give a flying fuck about her fears about admitting she’s a fucked up person anymore. Living with her abuse daily has done that. Watching her abuse the person that I love has done that. Walking around on eggshells with her daily has done that.
I’m not going to put up with her shit anymore, if there is no chance that her shit is going to improve through therapy, because she has decided she doesn’t need to go. If me no longer walking on eggshells around her means that eventually she and I get into the kind of fights that mean that we can’t live together anymore, then that’s what will happen.
For the next few weeks at least, I’m going to mostly stay quiet and out of her way, because I don’t want to disrupt her while she’s doing finals. But after that’s over…I guess we’ll see what kind of new dynamic happens and if it’s one that we can all live with.