I sent that email

I guess we’ll see what comes of it.

I am still at work. I don’t particularly want to see Lora tonight, or possibly fight with her. I’ll probably stay at work fairly late, unless my (I hope?) nice, civilized email get a nice, civilized response.

Before I sent it, I texted with Jon, and asked him his feelings, and if I should send the email. He said he didn’t know. I said I could forward it to him, if he wanted to read it first. He said he didn’t know and that he was exhausted and didn’t know what to do and didn’t know. So I told him we didn’t have to talk about it, and left it at that with him.

And then sent it off to her.

I am currently wondering if I’m going to get a “Lora got your email and is extremely upset” text from Jon. To which my reply will be “And?”. Because I’m not really sure what I’d say. I don’t feel particularly sorry, other than I’m sorry that something so ridiculous has to be put into writing as a thing it’s not cool to do. I’m not really sure what else to say unless I know what she’s looking for.

Am I going to hate her forever because of this one thing (so far) that I actually addressed with her? No. Amazingly, I don’t hate her. I am angry at her. I feel sorry for the pain she’s in. I want less of her in my life. But I don’t hate her.

Should I have not said anything and was I terribly rude to be spying on the things that she and Jon says? Well, let’s think about this. The bathroom is next to the bedroom. Lora knew I was in the bathroom – she just heard Jon and I talking. She bitched to Jon about it with the bedroom door open. It sort of follows that if she could hear Jon and I talking, I would be able to hear her and Jon talking. If she wanted privacy to complain about our five minute conversation she could have closed the bedroom door. Talked more quietly. Put on music. Put on a fan. Did a combination of things.

But she didn’t, and I overheard it, and it was a really shitty thing to say. It hurt my feelings, especially given the way that I went out of my way to NOT hurt her feelings when I realized earlier this year that she and Jon were spending far more time together than Jon and I were (because I was working, and he and Lora weren’t) and that really bothered and hurt me. Probably half of this blog is stories about times when Lora was completely disinterested in sharing Jon’s time evenly. Or when Jon and I were spending time together and she’d pull him away to argue with him. I treat the time they spend together as sacred, and do my best to not interrupt unless there is no way to avoid it, but our five-minute bathroom conversation is completely unfair to her.

Why am I even surprised? I mean, really. Sitting here thinking back on what I’ve written about how terrible she is about sharing Jon’s time, why am I even surprised that she would be upset by us talking in the bathroom? Maybe I need a reality check that’s even bigger than Jon’s.

Well, that was all…more miserable thinking. On the upside, a close friend of mine has been plying me with offers to spend time with me for the past hour, so I think I’m going to take her up on that and go out to and talk to a real, live human friend. Who knows Lora, which technically means talking about all this is verboten, but I’m too tired and sick of it to care. Also, said friend knows a million of my secrets anyways and is Very Good People who won’t breathe a word to anybody.

So I’ll go hang out with her while I wait to see if any words will be emailed back, and then head home to hopefully sleep, but possibly face an incredibly emotional Lora.

Or maybe I’ll sleep in the park.

No, I’ll go home. I’d rather sleep in the park, but I’ll go home.

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lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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