So Jon and I are supposed to spend a few hours in the park today. He’s working all weekend, so I’m barely going to see him.
I did some private journaling earlier today, and I realized that I really don’t want to see him right now. This is part of what I wrote:
Why bother being supportive to Jon? He’s going to take any energy and positivity and strength that I give to him and waste it all on Lora.
Why bother being supportive to Lora? She’s just going to take any energy and positivity and strength that I give to her and squander it, use it to not deal with her problems, just suck it up and waste it like a giant good-feeling-and-energy vortex. Give her chances, support and encouragement, she eats it up and spits out negativity, jealousy, emotional immaturity, and just whines for more.
I think that actually sums up entirely how I feel. Those last two statements. That’s why I don’t particularly want to have anything to do with Jon right now. I knew how I was feeling about Lora. I knew that I felt antagonistic towards Jon too, deeply so. I didn’t entirely know why. But that’s it. Any good moments we have together, any positivity, and strength that I give him, he takes it and gives it to Lora and she just wants more and more and more. It doesn’t feel like it comes back to me anymore. I don’t feel any better because all I see when I look at her is a powderkeg waiting for a spark. A powderkeg that is more than willing to make its own spark if none is forthcoming. I see her as a crazymaking person – I think she thrives on the drama. I have thought for a while that a goodly chunk of her histrionics are caused or supported in part because that is a way to get attention on her. It’s a way to have all of Jon’s attention. It’s been a way to get my attention.
The part of me that doesn’t want to see Jon is the part that is completely and utterly sick and burned out on this situation and anybody closely associated with it. That includes him, for the times that he’s enabled her, the times that he’s defended her, the times that he’s put up with the most ridiculous fucking shit from her and acted as though it’s all just minor normal relationship issues. The part that had me halfway convinced that *I* was going crazy when I looked at the shit she does and didn’t think it was OK and was confused and freaked out that he kept acting like it WAS all OK.
I’m not really sure what to do about tonight. Or about Jon. A part of me in kind of…there’s a little spark whispering “don’t let her win. don’t let her take him away”. Except that I know it’s horseshit; he’s agreeing to this himself. He keeps putting up with her garbage. He keeps on giving her chance after chance after chance. He’s the one who somehow decided in the past year that he saw their relationship go from being “long term but not life-long” to wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. With his abuser. With someone who takes out her negativity on him over and over and over and twists him and demands he do things and tries to control him and twist him entirely into her own personal puppet, punching bag, and need-fulfillment machine. He is a WILLING PARTICIPANT.
He’s taking himself away. He is taking himself away.
It is completely insane that I haven’t yet said to him “I’m done with us living together. We need to live in separate homes.”? Why haven’t I? It’s not because I’m waiting until he start solo therapy, and Lora starts solo therapy, and they start couples therapy. I don’t think Lora is going to let therapy help her. I think it’s going to scare her, and when she realizes it’s going to push her to face the shitty things that she’s done in her life, she’s going to back away, find other reasons to not keep it up, and be the same abusive, controlling asshole that she’s been all along.
When I say we’re done living together, we’re done living together. I am not a person who would say something like that, and then back out a bit later – no matter how many second thoughts I had about it. Once I say those words, that’s it. And when that happens, there will be a lot of emotional fallout. I think there will be even more than what has been happening the last few weeks.
Jon will – by far – have the most to deal with. Not just emotionally, but financially. Though Lora has been working for about now, she’s still not chipping in for any of the house expenses. I know that when Jon was paying for her, she insisted that she pay him back, and I know she owes him over a thousand dollars. If Jon and Lora move out, I know that I can get in new roommates. But Jon and Lora will probably move into a one bedroom apartment. Jon will be back to covering ALL their expenses with just the money that he makes, unless Lora starts chipping in.
In theory, if we keep living together, Lora is supposed to eventually chip in to our expenses. That concept is on my “not going to hold my breath” list. Though I will say that if we did keep living together, and if I didn’t hear anything about her chipping in within a few months, then we’ve have to have a “I don’t support people who are now working full-time and making a living wage for funsies, so when will you start contributing?” conversation.
My experience Lora making good money so far has been that on the days that she and Jon are both not working, they go out and eat at least once a day. They also go out drinking and dancing, and sometimes Lora pays. She’s also been doing a lot of shopping. I have no idea if she’s paying Jon back at all (though I hope she is) or doing any kind of saving (though I hope she does). I haven’t asked for any details, like when she might start paying in to our rent and such, because I have bigger things on my mind. Though it is one of those things that I’m aware of, even if it’s nowhere near the top of my list of things to inquire about.
Anyway, little side-road about money aside, once I say I’m done living with Lora, then we’re done. That’s a big step. One that I’m still incredibly afraid to take.
I don’t *actually* hope that therapy helps Lora anymore. I mean, it’d be great if it did. I have a sort of dull awareness of therapy helping Lora as a concept. But actually putting any amount of stock behind it as a thing that’s going to happen. No.
I think I just have to hit rock bottom with this living situation before I call it quits.
I wonder how much further down there is to go.