I did have the first visit with my new therapist late last week. It went well, I think. She didn’t speak much, but what she did say (and the emails we exchanged beforehand) seem promising. I’m going back this week, to talk to her more (and have her talk more) and see if I definitely want to see her. I feel fairly sure that I do.
I feel like I kind of lied about Lora doing better, like I wrote in my last post. Not deliberately, but as I was writing this one, I thought of how the three of us went out yesterday. Originally, Lora wanted to do an all-day hangout, the three of us together, when she found out that she would get off. I absolutely didn’t want to do that from the moment it was mentioned (and specifically said to Jon how that really doesn’t work with my deliberate “spend less time with Lora” feelings). As a compromise, I did suggest the three of us maybe going out for a few drinks for a few hours, which is what we did. Partway through, Lora and Jon had a…I don’t know what it was…terse exchange of words? Then Lora shut down totally. Jon relayed to me that Lora was feeling tired and wanted to go home, which I was totally fine with. So we finished our drinks and did that.
I think that I hesitate to label it bad behavior in part because I’ve been shutting down a fair amount myself. I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually dissociating in the pathological, defense-mechanism sense. There are times (like last night with Jon, actually) when I feel emotionally numb and like I’m going through the motions of being alive in a rote manner. I think I’m so far past my desire to deal with any Lora/Jon drama that my brain goes on autopilot whether I want it to or not.
On Lora’s end, I don’t know what it is. I can say that before she shut down, the three of us had been talking about a game that Jon and I play. She was asking some questions about why we didn’t do certain things within the game. I told her that I could give a bunch of little reasons why, but that overall, it was the kind of thing that you realize never works out well, once you’ve been playing the game a certain amount of time. I realized afterwards that she could have interpreted that very negatively, which…first of all, I might be grasping at straws, even guessing that that is what caused the shut down. If it was…I don’t know what to say. Part of that being that I just don’t give enough of a shit to figure out what to say about it.
The bigger thing is Lora shutting down. As in, why does she do it? Is simply going out for a few drinks that stressful to her? Could it be – could a lot of things be – that she’s not actually polyamorous, but is trying to be to be with Jon? One of the things that my friends mentioned to me on Friday’s not-intervention was that they really don’t feel like Lora is poly, and that it seems like a lot of her behavior is extreme jealousy and territoriality in regards to Jon. None of these friends are poly, though they both spend time with me, and have spent time with other poly friends of mine so…I don’t know what to make of that. I mainly know that they’re not the first people (and probably won’t be the last) to bring up serious doubts about Lora’s actual desire to be polyamorous.
I somewhat wish I cared more than I currently do. But realistically, if Lora truly isn’t poly, then unless/until she admits that, I think I have to proceed as if I believe that she is poly.
One of the other things that one of my friends mentioned, in regards to Lora possibly not being poly and therapy is if the therapist might ask/trip Lora up in regards to her not being poly before Jon. I don’t know how much background the couples therapist (or Lora’s solo therapist) would get on them being poly beforehand or what relevance it might have, but if a lot of Lora’s problems are related to not actually being poly, it would seem like those problems might out themselves at some point. Which could be one of the reasons why she didn’t want to do therapy.
I don’t know. I honestly don’t know why I’m writing about this. I don’t actually care. I’m more going through the motions.
In more exciting news, I’m seeing Issi more this week, which is awesome. We’re making more plans and more regular plans, sometimes involving other people, and sometimes just ourselves. It’s definitely a bright point in my week, although sometimes I get stressed out and worried that I’m going to overextend myself.
Which is why I’m still coming down on the side of “no” when I think about trying to date anybody else. Things are going poorly on the health front. I’ve had a lot of days lately where I’ve been in a lot of pain, which causes my energy to be low, so dating probably isn’t a good idea. Holding life together as-is seems to be hard enough.
One last spot of news: Lora did totally pay Jon back, and is start going to pay some amount of rent next month. It’s not much, but it’s something. I would never expect to split rent and things exactly in half with someone who is making far less money than me, so the part where it’s not even is fine. I do wish that Lora was paying a bit more in rent, but I think the amount she wants to pay is on the low side of reasonable, and once she has a better-paying job, we can definitely revisit it. But it is good that she’s going to start paying rent and taking more care of herself.
Sometimes these bright spots of news are more painful than anything. Because I still do feel pretty done with Lora. I’m not actually sure if it’s possible for her to take care of herself to a point where I want to have anything to do with her. Part of that (as I told my therapist) is that I’m still incredibly angry with her because of the way that she has abused Jon and tried to control him. Part of it also is that I think she might genuinely be as asshole, therapy needs aside. I generally don’t keep close to myself people who make statements like “I’m just an angry person“, because that’s not the person I am, nor the person I want to be. As much as I would love to make Jon’s life happier, and I know that he feels truly happy if he can live with both his partners, I think that living with someone who identifies with (and enjoys being) angry and jerkish just isn’t what I want in life.
I guess I will continue to do what I’ve been doing, which is spend as little time with Lora as possible, cultivate other good things in my life, and see how therapy goes for both of them. And maybe I’ll add “mull over telling Jon that living together simply isn’t going to work for me”. I could write a huge amount about that, because it is an enormously stressful topic. But for now, the steak in my fridge is a much more exciting prospect, and I’m feeling pretty checked out from continuing to think upon these things, so steak it is.