just a quick update

I’ve been ridiculously sick the past week, possibly from an injection given to me in hopes of improving my on-going health problems, so I haven’t had much time to write. Or sit upright. Laying flat on my back seems to be the most comfortable thing these days.

Life has pretty much gone on as usual. Jon and Lora had a huge fight over the weekend that seemed to go along the usual paths of Lora blaming Jon and refusing to take responsibility for her own feelings or for the consequences of her actions. The main thing that caught my ear as I dozed (that I hadn’t heard before) is that Lora seems (unsurprisingly) to be an asshole about turning Jon down if he wants to do something that Lora doesn’t want to do. I’ve mentioned before Lora’s obnoxious habit of giving her opinion that something is stupid or gross to her, whether she was asked her opinion or not. It seems that Lora has previously turned down Jon’s requests to do a particular activity with him in an obnoxious way. Said activity seems to be something they’ve both done together in the past, but that Jon likes all the time, and Lora only likes when she’s in the mood for it – and feels is dumb, when she isn’t in the mood. Because of Lora turning down whatever-it-was (and I have no idea, I was woken up halfway through this fight by the volume of it) in a nasty, hurtful way, Jon has stopped asking her to do it. Which she is now upset about.

The fight seemed like it may have started with Lora taking Jon to task about no longer ever asking her to do this activity. When I woke up enough to realize a fight was going on, it was to overhear Jon saying that Lora needed to understand that if she was going to reject him really harshly when he asks her to do something, then he’s not going to ask her anymore. This lead to her saying something like “What? So I should just always go along with you and do stuff, even if I don’t want to? That’s what you want? To always just get your way?” and and Jon replied “No, I’m totally fine with you saying ‘No’, but there’s a huge difference between ‘No, I don’t feel like doing that right now’ and ‘No, that’s totally stupid and I don’t want to waste my time with it’. How can you not understand that?”.

How can she not understand that? I honestly have no idea, other that it doesn’t suit the immature, selfish part of her person to have that kind of empathy with other people, when she doesn’t feel like having it.

Another thing that happened during this fight and was a first – and I’ll be honest gave me hope – was that a few times Jon said something along the lines of how he is the way he is about certain things, he was never going to stop pushing back against Lora about certain things, and that if she wasn’t going to be able to accept that and stop trying to force him to be certain ways, the relationship wasn’t going to work out. He didn’t say it meanly, or angrily, or even heatedly. To me, it was very much in the tone of “I am running out of patience with these things and will not keep dealing with them”. Maybe he has said things like that to her before, but if he has, it hasn’t been when I was around.

There was also some kind of mention of therapy – I didn’t hear what was initially said – I assume Lora said something about therapy taking time to work, and Jon needing to give it more time. What I did hear clearly was Jon say to Lora that he had been pushing Lora to get therapy for years and that plenty of time has passed where Lora could have been getting therapy for her problems, but chose not to. Things got very quiet after that, so I’m not sure how the whole thing ended, but it sounded like Jon was very strongly standing up for himself and gaining confidence to take less of Lora’s bullshit.

The only other noteworthy thing to mention about that evening was that Jon, Lora, and I were supposed to go out for dinner. Though I was sick, I’d agreed to go to a local place and get chicken soup or something else light so we could all spend time together, since we’ve rarely been doing that since I made it clear to Jon that I wanted to see as little as Lora as possible.  I’m not sure how long the fight was going on before I woke up, but it went on for an hour and a half after I woke up. When Jon came in to ask me if I wanted to go out to eat, I told him that I was too tired, and really not feeling it. He was pretty upset about that, but accepting. He came back a little bit later to tell me that everything was really OK (he clearly knew that I was awake and overheard at least some of the fight) and that he was OK and wanted to go out with both of us, if I was willing. I told him that I was not willing, and that I didn’t feel fine about that fight and that I wasn’t comfortable going out and spending time with Lora after an argument like that happened. All of which is true and one of the things that has concerned me for awhile.  It both confounds me and also causes me to worry if I’m helping perpetuate a fantasy that things are better than they are between Jon and Lora by getting up and going about having a pleasant time with them when I just overheard them having what sounded like an extremely serious fight. I can’t pretend that everything is OK (or that I think a relationship is stable and healthy) after I hear certain kinds of fighting going on.

So overall, it’s been more of the same lately. Because of how sick I’ve been, I haven’t been able to get out to see my friends the way I wanted to, but I have been more comfortable actively spending time with just myself and/or drawing boundaries about seeing Lora less, which has helped immeasurably. Overall, the more I continue to hang out in this mental space, the more I feel like even if Lora stops being abusive towards Jon, I’m still not going to want to live with her full-time. There are just too many personality traits that she has and that I really don’t enjoy being around, for me to want to live with her. Despite feeling more and more certain about that (or maybe because I feel more and more certain about that), I feel a measure of peace that I’m evaluating things as what I need the most for me, and doing a much better job of getting myself the things that I want/need to be happy, while continuing to live with Lora.

Now if I can just stop feeling so damn sick and miserable – there have been a number of awesome things I’ve read lately while convalescing that I want to write about, but I’ve been too weak to even sit at a computer and write. Hopefully the next few days will improve things for me, but for now, it’s back to laying down and doing more resting.


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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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