Or else you might write ridiculous things like I recently did.
I am not really sure what I was on when I wrote that post. Oh no, wait. I do. I had a painful medical procedure that temporarily made me lose my mind. It must have, because I just looked back over that post and thought to myself “Who was the alien Liz that wrote that ridiculous post and actually had some amount of hope that this situation was going to work out?”.
(Also, I vaguely remember spending something like an hour looking at photos of donkey balls until I found the photo that “felt right”. Felt right. Donkey balls. Seriously, drugs are bad!)
Today’s Liz is working through a realization that has morphed from a little bit of a “d’oh” moment to a really profound and game-changing thought. I brought it up to my therapist a bit tonight, and it’s definitely something that we need to revisit, because it’s one of those things that I think I should tell Jon, but I’m not completely sure I should tell Jon and…I feel radically different and…cleaner, mentally.
Though also fully aware of how fucked the three of us living together is.
My amazing realization is that for this entire time, ever since I met Lora, I’ve been proceeding under the belief that because Jon loves her, she must be an amazing person, and someone who I could also come to love, if only I look at her the right way.
(And before anybody has visions of threesomes in their heads, I’m not necessarily talking about romantic love. I am talking about a solid foundation of respect, trust, and love that friends (or metamours) can build a partnership upon.)
I never gave myself the chance to vet her for myself, using the same criteria that I would use when getting to know any person, and deciding if I felt we could become friends, besties, lovers, indifferent acquaintances, mortal enemies, or anything in between.
I need to go back to People Class 100: Picking Your Own People.
Once I realized that, and took a moment to view her, the Lora of Today (not the idealized, much improved, worked-her-shit-out-in-therapy, Lora of Tomorrow who I believe Jon sees when he looks at her), through my own people picking lens, I had a completely and utterly conviction-filled “Oh Hell Fucking NO” moment.
That’s the part where I realized that us living together is welly and truly fucked. I don’t want to live with her. I don’t want to be her friend. Abuse aside, I don’t particularly like her. It irritates me to no end how anything and everything in the world can become A Thing that she is sensitive about…
And now let’s take a break to review this week’s most recent gems: Lora had a head cold a few days ago. When driving into work one of those days, Jon looked a little weird, so I asked him if he was OK (he and Lora had slept together the night before). He said that he’d had a really bad night; he couldn’t sleep. Lora flinched when she heard that (she was sitting in the front seat, and I watched her whole body jerk) as she hotly snarled “You are not blaming that on me!” to which Jon replied “No, I’m not blaming that on you, I just couldn’t find a comfortable position. I wasn’t going to say anything about you.”.
Another was that…ok, first a little background. I recently realized that on every date night that Jon and I have, we leave at least an hour later than we plan. The reason? Every, single, freaking week, Lora is upset that she barely gets to see him that day, and they have to have A Thing. Nevermind that every week when THEY have their date night, I’m in the same position (and fine with it. It’s my Me Night to hog the bathroom, take an hours-long bubble bath, sing loudly to Pandora, eat ice cream from the container and do whatever the hell else I feel like). Also, nevermind that Jon always makes sure to spend the entire evening with Lora either the night before or after he and I go out on our date. It doesn’t stop us from leaving late, because he’s closeted in the bedroom with her, while she talks about how unfair it is that she’s barely seeing him. That one day.
(I am addressing that situation with him in the very near future, because I am tired of it. Especially in light of yesterday, which was when this week’s other recent gem occurred.)
Yesterday, Jon was hanging out with me until around nine, then heading in to spend the rest of the evening with Lora. At five after nine, Lora sticks her head into the living room (where Jon and I were hanging out), glares at him, shakes her head, mutters “typical” and stalks into the bedroom, shutting the door. Jon hastily goes in to talk to her, and they have (can you guess?) A Thing for a few minutes, while he reassures her that he does want to spend time with her and he’s not passive-aggressively letting her know that he doesn’t want to be with her, and he’s really sorry, he just lost track of the time for a few moments.
(Also, yes, it was exactly five after nine. I checked because I assumed by her reaction that we’d really lost track of time and it was ten or something. Nope. Five after.)
For the record, I would have had no problem with her coming in and saying something like “I dunno if you guys realized it, but it’s after 9”. I’d have said “Oh shit, sorry, we lost track of time”, kissed Jon, and gone off to do my own solo thing. But there is rarely a reaction from her (in relation to Jon) that doesn’t immediately head into hostile and over-the-top.
Life is too short for me to live with a person who generates this much bullshit and bad vibes nearly every freaking day.
There are actually several other moments of the same ilk that occurred in the last week (like I said in my last post “Life as usual with Lora”), but I just don’t have the energy to write them all out. And anyways, I think ya’ll get the picture.
So where was I? Ah. right:
“It irritates me to no end how anything and everything in the world can become A Thing that she is sensitive about…”
Yes. I can see why I feel this way. I can see why I don’t want to live with this kind of crap in my life. I can see why I don’t like her.
I can’t see why it took me so long to figure this out, other than I know how hurt Jon would be to know how very much I dislike her. And the thing I feel really bad about is that, as far as he knows, I’m trying to “hold on until things get better”. And until I realized that I absolutely don’t like Lora for herself, I was doing that. But I can’t now. Because I am not really sure that there is enough therapy in the world to change Lora into someone who doesn’t treat nearly every, single, freaking thing as an attack (Like Jon saying that he didn’t get a good night’s sleep! My mind boggles at that one!). I think she just might be an asshole. I know I’ve been saying that for months, but this is the first time that I’ve really solidly thought “That woman is an asshole, through and through”. And as it happens, I do respect her right to be an asshole. I respect Jon’s right to be in love with, and want to share his life with, an asshole.
I also respect my right to keep assholery out of my life as much as possible. And that does include instances where the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with has a partner who is a raging asshole.
(as a side note, if anybody is bothered by my characterization of Lora’s behavior as assholery, I’d love to know what alternate words someone might suggest. I’ve struggled for months to try and figure out how to characterize the overarching theme of her behavior. deeply insecure? aggressive to the point of alienating people? controlling in all ways? I don’t know what to call it, but I like the word assholery, so that’s what I’m using for now.)
Unfortunately, said life partner is going to be crushed to know that I both don’t want to live with him full-time if it also means living with his other partner and that even after we stop living together, I really don’t want all that much to do with said other partner. I know that there are no magic words that exist that will take away all the pain and disappointment of letting Jon know this. But I don’t know if I should simply say something like “Lora is not a person who I feel I can be close to or share my life with” and refer all inquiries he makes as to why that is back to that statement, or if I should share some of the details.
I sort of had a Family Guy moment in my head just now. Jon and I both love Seth MacFarlane. Maybe if I explain the situation to Seth and allow him to use any and all of it for future episodes, he’ll write a montage for me explaining to Jon why I don’t want to live with Lora or share my life with her in any significant way:
If I don’t take a moment or two to laugh about this sometimes, I’m going to really lose my shit. “Find the humor in any situation” is a guiding principal of mine.
What my mind keeps circling back to is how every other person I’ve met through Jon has been amazing. His parents are really incredible people. His siblings are all also incredible and the aunts, uncles, and cousins I’ve met have made me wonder if they were created some secret lab that took every positive stereotype about a solid, loving family and combined them into one uber-family. His childhood friends that I’ve met are all wonderful people. His current friends are also awesome. One of them has become a close friend of mine. I’ve even met two of his exes and within minutes we were joking about the things we had in common and I could see why he dated them and why they were still great friends – they’re both really interesting women who have their shit together. That’s the most important theme that runs through nearly all the people in Jon’s life: they have their shit together. They take ownership of their problems. They draw healthy boundaries. They are dedicated to being compassionate, loving, independent people.
When I didn’t spend a lot of time with Lora in the beginning, Jon said it was because of her extreme social anxiety, which I do believe that she has. And in email, she generally seemed like a really interesting person who mostly had her shit together (Lora in email and Lora in person are widely different people. The best conversations that I’ve ever had with Lora, where she seemed self-aware and like someone who had a healthy amount of self-responsibility were over email). And since everybody else who Jon keeps close to him is fantastic, I assumed that she would be too. And I really bought into that. I totally bought into this idea that if Jon (who I generally think is a fantastic human being) loved Lora and thought she was wonderful, then surely, surely she must be wonderful.
She’s not. Or at least, the Lora who I interact with most of the time ranges from a person a would feel ‘meh’ about having a five minute conversation with, to an angry, controlling asshole who views everything around her as something that could attack her, take things away from her, or viciously hurt her and reacts according to that worldview.
This is a person, ya’ll, a person who Jon and I both had to browbeat into getting therapy. She felt like she really didn’t need it.
I feel like I need to state that again, because it still boggles my mind.
Occasionally, yes, there have been hints of a sharp mind and an interesting personality under all that rage and control. And if Jon’s decided that he’s willing to work through heaven-only-knows how many years of being verbally attacked, attempts to control him, and emotional abuse, that is his choice. I don’t agree with it, but I wish him the best with it.
I am making another choice.
Now I just need to figure out the words to tell him that.