picking up all the pieces

Since my realizations last week, I’ve continued to feel better and better. Not only do I feel emotionally straightened out about my feelings towards Lora and towards Jon, I finally feel like I can move forward on other things. There are so many things in my life that range between “not doing so hot” to “Danger Will Robinson!”. It’s really good that I can focus on them now, before any of them become a real problem with serious consequences.

For instance, my job. I was seriously sucking at my job. Normally, when I have a lot of emotional things going on, I can still focus on my job (and sometimes, focus even better than normal), and get shit done. For the last few months with this though, I have barely been limping along at work, one step ahead of a catastrophe. That is a huge contrast from my usual work state, in which I’m ahead of everything and have plenty of extra time in case something because problematic. I suspect my difficulty with even just staying abreast at work is because I’m also dealing with the chronic pain; that takes so much out of me that it’s probably sucking up any extra energy I had. Whatever the reason, it was getting to the point where I was starting to get scared that something major would fall through the cracks, or cause my boss to take a closer look at how I was doing, and realize that I am in seriously bad shape.

Now that I finally feel mentally free and clear, I’ve spent the past few days working my ass of at work, catching up on things that need to be caught up on, and picking up all the little things that have fallen by the wayside the past few months. It’s going to a bit more time, but I think by the end of next week, I’ll be completely caught up and in my usual ahead-of-the-game shape.

Also, now that I’ve managed a week without being sick, I was able to hang out with Issi and some of our friends last night. That was just…amazing. It felt *so good* to be out with my wonderful, amazing, beautiful friends again. A true balm to the soul. And a reminder of what I’ve been missing all these long, miserable months. We’re making plans to make a semi-regular hang-out, which is fabulous if only because it’s a regular night where I get out and don’t see Lora at all.

Speaking of Lora, by the time I got home from our hangout last night (I sadly couldn’t sleep over with everybody this time, though next time, I will), Lora was already in bed, so I didn’t see her at all. I have to say, the way that I feel when I don’t have to deal with Lora at all for a day is really…well…it makes it obvious that me and Lora living together really doesn’t work for me. Going an entire day without seeing her felt fantastic, because the chances of dealing with drama of listening to her be shitty towards Jon dropped down to zero.

Jon himself is a very low-key, laid-back, easy-going person. All traits which are part of what makes him so attractive to me. He doesn’t play mind games. He tells me when he’s upset about something. He’s even good at telling the difference between days when he’s just having a blue day and getting upset easily over little things and days when a particular thing is really bothering him. He’s just an absolutely pleasure to be around.

Lora isn’t any of those things, as I’ve mentioned many times. I never know when she’s going to go from her nervous energy being happy/bouncy into being angry/aggressive/jealous/neurotic. It’s exhausting to never know how things are going to go with her.

So going a day without dealing with that…fantastic. Definitely kudos to me, for deciding to start spending some nights at friend’s places, so I don’t have to see her at all for a day at a time. The only thing that worries me about doing that is that I don’t know if spending time away from her is going to help replenish my energy for dealing with her, or if it’s just going to highlight how much I dislike being around her for long stretches of time, and make being around her even less tolerable. I guess time will tell.

But in the meantime, it feels good to have the energy to get other parts of my life in order again. It feels wonderful to spend time thinking about things other than my living situation, and Lora’s abusive, controlling, neurotic behavior. I’m really happy to start spending time with my friends again, and deeply appreciative that they’re OK with me being in less-than-good health, and needing things to be low energy. And I’m really glad that I’m getting back in control at work too. It was really scaring me, how little I was able to handle for awhile. I’m glad that’s waned.

The last bit of news is that my doctor tested me and found some objective results that my last treatment (sick as it made me), did have some benefit. She also found something in the results that indicated that I have another, similar problem in a part of my body that is next to the part we’re generally treating. So I tried I different treatment there, and it feels like it might actually be working! Not 100%, but I think I’ve felt some real progress there in the last few days. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I think we might (finally) be on the right track!

So all in all, things are looking pretty up! Maybe there will even be a miracle and Lora will do super-well in therapy, and work through her problems until she’s less awful. That’s probably hoping for too much, so I won’t do that. I’d rather not get my hopes up too high, and then if really good things do happen, I’ll be surprised and delighted. In the meantime, I’m going to keep on keeping on and enjoying the parts of my life that are going really well, including the part where I see less of Lora. And I’ll keep on seeing how things go, while thinking over how to talk to Jon about us all not living together. I think that’s the best way to get through this time and enjoy the good parts, while keeping my boundaries with Lora strong, to help minimize the bad parts.


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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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