I told Jon at lunch that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was sobbing. I contemplated walking out in traffic on the way to telling him that. I was a mess.

He was shocked, because his fight with Lora continued into the morning. And she was angrily texting him the whole way to work. But it seemed that at some point, they went from fighting to having some kind of productive talk (according to him). That’s the usual cycle. The fight winds down into talking. And then they “start to really understand each other” and they “get to a much better place of understanding”. Until the next fight, that is.

But anyway, now that they were in the “much better place” part of the cycle, he was shocked and floor that I was near-hysterical. He didn’t seem to be able to understand how hearing her verbally abuse him was just…well…it was abusing me. Hearing her abuse him was terrible. It’s one of the most terrible emotional things I’ve ever experienced.

So he was shocked and upset that I was seriously saying I didn’t think I could live with her anymore. But we didn’t have to talk about it that second, I said. Because we were going out for his birthday dinner that night with friends, and I wanted to do that, if he wanted. Which he did.

Lora opted not to come to Jon’s birthday dinner (it was supposed to be the three of us and three friends). She was still too upset from the fight. I ran into her when I was leaving for the dinner, and I couldn’t even look at her, much less speak to her. On the way to the dinner, she texted me to apologize for waking me up the night before. Waking me up. Because that’s what I care about. Being woken up. Not hearing her say our love is a fucked up human being who doesn’t know how to relate to normal people, and so has fucked her up. Not because she screamed at him that he better never tell her that he loves her again. Not because she insulted his manhood at one point, and implied that he was less of a man because he felt like she was controlling him. No, none of those things. Waking me up.

I didn’t answer, because I didn’t want a text fight to start right before his dinner, and all I could think to say is “there are no words you can say to me, that will remotely fix this”.

We went to the dinner. Jon had a good time.We all did. Then we went home and went to sleep – he and I were sleeping together.

His birthday was actually Saturday. I had off, Lora had work. I planned to have a tough talk with him about how I cannot live with Lora anymore, because she is emotionally dead to me. I cannot have a relationship with someone who treats my love to horribly. And while the three of us could not go out for his birthday, I wanted them to, since he and I went out the night before.

That was my plan for Saturday. Have the tough talk. Let me know that I need to have no relationship with Lora now, for the sake of us potentially having a future one, when she’s in a better place. Take his present shopping. Get him home in time to go out to dinner with Lora.

It didn’t work out that way.


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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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