Once again, Lora woke up Jon early, to fight with him some more. Before she left for work. At one point, I heard him say “Lora, you HAVE to stop this. You CANNOT wake me up every single morning to fight with me. You CAN’T”.
I wondered how long that would stick.
I had two texts from Lora when I woke up Monday.
She would rather things not be awkward for as long as possible and would like to talk so that everybody can move on. She now prefers email, because she’ll feel less confronted and it’ll allow her to take in what I’m saying. So that’s what she wants to do, if I’m ready.
An hour later, she texted that she needs some space and wants to live with everybody, she’s in love with Jon, but needs to cool down. It will help lower her frustration and sort through her emotions. It would also give us space. She’s thinking about looking on craigslist for a sublet. She could clean up the smaller bedroom so we could look for sublets on craigslist too. She doesn’t know, she’s just thinking.
A few hours after that, she texted that she doesn’t know if she even wants that. She’s just tired.
AngryLiz’s initial thoughts were that we are waaaaaaaay past awkward and that she’s not sure what “moving on” means exactly, but if it means “go back to all living together and acting like everything is OK until the next screaming fight”, the answer is NOPE. Moving on is not an option.
AngryLiz also gave zero shits about Lora feeling confronted. Lora needs a little confrontation in her life, with someone else doing the confronting. Given how often she feels the need to confront Jon with her bullshit, AngryLiz felt like it was time that she was confronted about something important, like how abusive and controlling she is with Jon. About how the things she say to him are wrong to say, especially to a person you love. How the million little things that she constantly has to pick at, comparing how Jon treat her versus me, bitching about things not being fair, constantly on the alert that she’s not being “cheated” out of time with Jon, yet also frequently doing things that significantly diminish my ability to spend time with Jon make her a bad partner, a bad metamour, and an overall not-so-great person.
Once those feelings died down a bit, I wasn’t totally sure what Lora needs to cool down from. Maybe it’s the fight they had Thursday night. The one that she has woken him up early every preceding day to continue. I did ask Jon about the fight later and her waking him up, he said that Lora just wanted to talk to him more, and it got a little emotional, but the talk was overall “fine”.
I think he might actually be delusional at this point. In denial to the point of being delusional about how bad things are. Because I’m pretty sure things aren’t overall “fine” when you have to tell someone that they have to stop waking you up every morning to fight with you. I mean, what the sweet almighty fuck? How is that even a thing that a person needs to be told?
Jon and I met for lunch that day. I have an email that I wrote to Lora, that I wanted to show him.
I told you in February that I could not live with you, if that meant hearing you be verbally abusive to Jon.
Waking up to the sound of you screaming at him that he was a fucked up person who can’t relate to normal people, and that trying to deal with him was fucking you up was one of the worst things that I’ve ever had to listen to.
I cannot continue to live in a situation where there isn’t only a chance of me hearing that in the future, but a certainly of hearing that again in the future.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened. Or the second. Or the third. Or even the fourth. It’s a pattern. It has repeated every few months since we started living together. From what I know of your relationship before we all lived together, it was a pattern then too.
I understand that therapy isn’t going to work overnight, or help you to learn healthier behavior in a month. I wish that it would have started sooner, in February or March right after we talked and you agreed to therapy instead of waiting until the end of May. A few months more of progress may have made a difference. But I don’t really know.
What I do know is that if you are still in a place emotionally where you are unable to stop yourself from verbally abusing Jon, then we can’t live together now. I cannot have an emotional relationship with you. If there is any chance of us having any kind of relationship in the future, then we cannot have one now, while you are abusing him.
I’m not entirely sure what to do about our living situation at the moment. I’m going to talk to friends about living part-time with them. And generally keep to myself when I’m home. As I said before, I won’t be home much for the next few days, at least. Beyond that, I’ll figure it out as it comes.
So we’re clear, I don’t hate you. I want you to get better. But I cannot be emotionally intimate with you while you are abusing Jon. Not living together seems to be the only situation that offers us some possibility of a relationship if things improve.
Jon’s reaction to the email will be in part 2.