Lora decided to take Saturday. Saturday was the second day in over a month that Jon and I both had off (He has had off at least one – if not both – days Lora has off each week for the past month+). The last time that Jon and I had the same day off a few weeks ago, Lora also called out sick.
This time, they had a fight about her calling off sick too much and Jon being concerned she’d be fired. She said she didn’t really care if she was fired, she’d just find a new job. But it took her two years to find this job – the first job she’s ever had, liked, and stayed at for months. And it pays nearly a living wage (and by far the most money she’s ever made). So her cavalier attitude really upset Jon.
She said she called out sick because she was too upset to go to work, over the fight she and Jon had that woke me up, and also because she texted me to apologize for waking me up that night, and I never texted back (more on that later). She stayed in the bedroom for much of the day, but texted Jon to continue to fight with him about the fight they had that woke me up.
While that was happening, another big thing happened. Jon and I tried to talk. When I tried to talk to Jon about splitting homes, he had a panic attack. He has never had a panic attack before in his life. I used to have them regularly, when I had serious depression and anxiety. When I tried to talk him down from it, he kept saying “no”. Finally I asked what he was saying no to. He was saying no to doing things that would make the panic attack go away, because he’d rather have one then think about us splitting homes.
That floored me. He and Lora hadn’t started solo therapy yet because the only way we could afford it was if they did couples therapy every other week, and each did solo therapy the week they weren’t doing couples therapy. And the couples therapist thought they needed to get certain things into a better place before they started doing couples therapy every other week.
Jon also told me that he doesn’t know why, but the last few years, he’s been feeling increasingly fearful and introverted and isolated, and he didn’t know why. It took everything in me not to scream “because you’re trying to have a relationship with an abusive person!”.
I told him that, in light of how we couldn’t talk about splitting homes, since he’d rather keep himself in a panic attack than think about it, I wanted to temporarily discontinue all saving of money for the future, to get him to therapy immediately, to figure out what is going on when we talk about splitting homes, and also why he is feeling so horrible.
I also promised that I wouldn’t move out until he was able to get this figured out. I didn’t know if I can keep that promise. But I’d never seen him like this before, and I was terrified for him.
At some point during this day (I don’t know when, in the order of how things transpired) Jon and Lora did talk a bit about splitting up homes, in the abstract. Lora said that things clearly weren’t working with the three of us living together. Jon told Lora that if we split homes, then they need to talk budgets, because Lora will have to contribute more than the small amount of money that she just started (this month) paying in rent. Lora had a bit of a freakout and said she couldn’t afford more, so they couldn’t move out.
Jon also talked to Lora about how we all needed to talk. Lora said she didn’t understand what there was to talk about – she texted me an apology about waking me up. What more needed to be said? Jon said that I wasn’t upset about being woken up. Lora then said that she didn’t care, they were going to move out, so it didn’t matter, and we didn’t need to talk (in direct reverse of her earlier “we can’t afford to move out” statement). Jon said we did. Lora then said that she couldn’t possibly talk now, she was still so upset about the fight they already had that she couldn’t possibly handle more.
Now, that could have been true. Whether it was or not, as that moment, I took it at face value.
But by the end of the night, Lora was trying to talk to me like everything was normal between us. A friend of mine had come over, and I didn’t want to do anything in front of him that would be embarrassing to her, so I went along with it, in as restrained a way as I could. But I talked to Jon about my concern that she was going to just ignore it steadily until I forgot about it (which isn’t going to happen). He said that he thought that she was still so stressed that she was grasping at “straws of normalcy” until her head was in a better place and she could handle more. He also said that he didn’t know how long that would take, but he thought we’d be able to talk in a few days.
That ended Saturday.