Jon worked all day so our communication was all through text.
Before Jon went to work, Lora woke him up a few hours early, to pick up their fight where they had left off.
I texted Jon about date night this week. It’s our date night week. I suggested going out Friday. Since Saturday is the 4th, and we were invited to a BBQ by a friend of his, I thought we could all do that on Saturday, and Jon and I could go out Friday. I have off Friday, so I will be able to sleep in, and have enough energy to go out in the evening.
Lora had off Saturday for the 4th. Before the fight Thursday night, she’d said she wanted to go dancing (the three of us) Friday night. She doesn’t typically have Saturdays off, and wanted to take advantage of it, by going out and dancing on a weekend night (she has a slight obsession with the “unfairness” of not having weekend nights off, which I don’t really understand).
Because of my health issues, going out Friday night to dance wouldn’t work, regardless of my emotions.
Given what has happened recently, I had no interest in going out with Lora, just the three of us, Friday night. I only suggested the BBQ Saturday, because lots of people will be there. It’s the best compromise I can offer, where the three of us “do a thing” sort of. I wouldn’t be talking to Lora at the BBQ. This is the best I can offer.
When I texted Jon about making Friday night our date night, he reminded me about Lora’s desire to go dancing. I reminded him that I can barely stand to be in the same room with her since listening to her scream at him what a fucked up person he is. So no. Dancing with Lora on Friday is out. Can we do date night on Friday, I asked.
He’s freaked out about the idea. Because our plans will affect other plans and it’s hard, he said. He also said he was starting to lose it and needed to keep his shit together at work. In light of that, I said that my only response would be that we should change the subject. Which we did.
What I really wanted to say is that he’s taking Lora being upset at me saying “no dancing Friday night” harder and with more emotion than he’s taken my reaction to Lora’s most recent bout of verbal abuse, where I told him that I couldn’t live with her anymore or have any kind of emotional relationship with her.
But then, he would be more upset by Lora’s reaction. She’ll probably scream abuse at him when she finds out that dancing on Friday isn’t going to happen.
Meanwhile, I deliberately went grocery shopping around the time Lora gets home from work. Because I want to spend as little time with her as possible.
She reiterated that she has too much on her plate. She has slipped back into a depression. Just getting out of bed in incredibly hard for her.
She recognized that she triggered me with the fight and is sorry (a reverse from her comment on Friday about having nothing to apologize about, and it not mattering, since they were moving out anyway).
She welcomes suggestions for what her and Jon can do. They will no longer be drinking one on one, until things get to a better place. The fight was so bad because both of them were drunk. Normally, she’s just the drunk one (red flag, anybody? Also, drunk as Jon may have been, he said NOTHING shitty to her. He was louder than he would have been sober, but he did not insult her or attempt to emotionally harm her).
So she wanted to give me a peace offering. It is her awkward, shy, non-confrontational way of apologizing and reaching out. She cares. And she is listening.
I genuinely believe that she is in a lot of pain. As a fellow human being, I grieve for her pain. It must be enormous.
As the person who I am today, who grew up with a mother who was physically and verbally abusive, and would leave after the abuse, and return with presents that I had better be damn grateful for (else it would get much, much worse), this little peace offering is…it’s not triggering anymore. But it’s not good.
Even if I hadn’t grown up with the mother that I had…a gift doesn’t make up for hearing Lora tell Jon he’s a fucked up person.
As I sat there and tried to decide if this is a genuine gift or a ploy to just keep me spinning longer, I thought to myself…why can’t it be both?
I was sure what to do with this attempted peace offering. I didn’t mention before, but Lora specifically requested to Jon that I not email her right now, because she can’t handle it. I wasn’t going to anyways; this needs to be face to face.
And she seemed to make it clear that she wasn’t willing to entertain any response from me but acceptance and forgiveness and “moving on”. She also (through Jon) informed me that face to face communication wasn’t currently welcome or possible.
So I decided to text her, since that wasn’t yet “off limits”. This was my text:
I understand that you have all you can handle with Jon recently. I respect that. I can wait until you are in a better place to talk.
Given my current feelings, it would be best if we have minimal communication and stick to non-personal subjects until we can talk.
I will always be respectful to you. But I cannot engage in personal discussions with you right now.
I don’t expect to be home until late on Monday and Wednesday. Tuesday, I will not be home at all. I don’t know about Thursday, but I can let you know through text, if it would be helpful.
And then I went to sleep.