For all the pain and insanity that went on, it was completely sane and respectful.
She wrote to tell me that she had a feeling I was waiting for an enraged email, and she wanted to let me know that wasn’t going to happen. She didn’t hate me, and she was sorry for hurting me and Jon. She was sorry for the way things happened. She wouldn’t hound me if I didn’t respond, she just wanted to apologize. She would come by later in the week when no one was around, to pack a few more things and clean up.
This seemingly-sane person writing this email at a time that must be incredibly difficult for her, this is probably part of the Lora that Jon sees, one of the parts that he fell in love with and believed in.
I’m not sure if her sane, clearly written, and thoughtful email is evidence that there is an amazing person in there, a sign of serious psychopathy, or of something else. That a person who can become enraged over her partner not wanting to look at a thing on her phone, which provokes her into calling him a fucked up human being who has fucked her up and then drags that fight out for days can write such a reasonable email is baffling to me. Is this a way that humans are human?
Then again, I went back and reread her email and thought…I’m going to make an armchair assessment that it’s another sign of either serious psychopathy or a simple inability to comprehend (or refusal to comprehend) how egregious her behavior was. Because for all the sane, thoughtful words, replaying how things went (especially the last few months), there appears to be a distinct lack of acknowledgement of what a horrible human being she was toward Jon (and me, by extension).
Maybe it wasn’t there due to brevity. Or she didn’t want to be that vulnerable towards me, in case she was worried I was going to write back her an angry tirade.
Or maybe she just really doesn’t get how much of a massively shitty, controlling, abusive asshole she is.
No matter what it is, it’s mostly an academic question, really. I’m still happy that she’s going to be getting more and more out of this home every day. One thoughtful email isn’t enough to cause me to have any interest in having her in my life in any capacity.
I did respond and tell her that I didn’t expect an enraged email, though I was aware it was a possibility – but that’s more about me trying to be prepared for anything, than a commentary on her. I said that I, too, was sorry at how things ended. And I mentioned that we get a lot of boxes in at work, and I can start bringing home a few each day. It truly won’t put me out much, but if it would help her, it’d definitely something I can do.
For anybody muttering at their computer “Don’t help her for a fucking minute Liz”, let’s keep in mind that this is helping me and Jon too. The more tools provided to get her out of the home quickly, the better. It really won’t put me out to bring home boxes to get her packed up.
Though honestly, and I feel vulnerable saying this, it is also doing her a kindness because she is a hurting human being, and it is one of the few kindnesses I can offer her, as a fellow human being. I want to be kind to people who are hurting. That is also far more about me than her. Because if I did make it about her, my feelings would still tend towards pretty fucking furious.
She responded with a thank you and took me up on the offer to get boxes for her. So I can bring them home every day and leave them in the little bedroom, and when she comes to pick up more of the things she needs for now, as well as start packing for moving, she’ll be able to get more done that much more quickly.
Jon has spent most of the weekend playing several very mind-intensive computer games. We spend time together too, but right now, he’s really trying to keep his mind occupied. Honestly, he’s not nearly as upset as I imaged he’d be, given how long he resisting ending things with Lora. He does have crying jags every day, but after Thursday, they weren’t too long, or too extreme.
I think there are a few reasons for that. One reason, he told me himself, as much as it hurts to let her go, he also feels enormous relief at not having to deal with so many awful things anymore. He didn’t name them, but I think we know what they were. I think another reason is because when he’s indecisive, especially about something as hard as breaking up with someone who you live with and wanted to share the rest of your life with, that indecision itself is like acid. Such a big decision – clearly seeing the radically different paths that each choice represents. It’s a hard place to be in. But once he chooses, that pain of not knowing what way you’re going, not being committed to a path, is vanishes. He’s taking the path he chose with a complete heart and is completely committed to that path. That’s the way I am, and so I could be projecting onto him, but given what I know of him as a person, I don’t think I am.
The last reason is that I think there are things that he doesn’t want to open up and completely grieve about until he has a therapist. I’m not sure how much he and I will talk about the abuse. One of the things that I want to ask my therapist is how much (if at all), I should ask about that. And by “ask about that” I mean, ask if he wants to talk about it, but also, make sure that he understands that it was abuse, that it did get very bad (for both of us), and learn what he would do differently (if anything) in the future, if someone begins to treat him abusively.
I think I need to know those things, because they will color how I view him, and if I can trust him fully to choose healthy partners. Based on his friends and exes, I do think Lora was an aberration, in terms of abusive and controlling nature. Even so, if Jon and I plan to share a home for the rest of our days, and we expect to be open to the idea of sharing that home with future, fully-equal metamours, then I need to know how much I can trust Jon to choose to share his life and home with people who will not damage us, abuse us, or attempt to control us, in order to fulfill their needs.
I also think I need to talk through with my therapist if there’s anything that I feel strongly about knowing or saying, in terms of Lora and the break up. I don’t know if it would be helpful or hurtful to tell him that they day he broke up with Lora, I was coming home to tell him that I was temporarily moving out, until Lora was moved out and he was partially-moved out with her. I think I also need to figure out…what do we need to do, to gain closure here? Is there anything that we need to do, together? Or do we only find it in separate ways?
I’m going to guess that it will be a little bit of both.