decisions, decisions

Jon and Lora had a texting discussion this morning about how much (and what kind) of contact they want to have with each other. Jon told me yesterday morning that Lora has been emailing him sad emails every day (and some freaking-out emails, but we’ll get to those in a sec). She emails him to tell him how sad and lonely she is, and how hard it is for her, and either how much easier it would be for her if he just took her back OR is making it clear that it would be so much better for her, but not saying it directly (the way Jon worded it, I couldn’t tell if she was overtly pushing for a reconciliation or just loading on the guilt).

I asked if he wanted my thoughts about that and he said “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know. Yes”. So I tentatively proceeded to point out that he wasn’t the best person for her to be venting that pain too. He agreed and said “but she doesn’t really have anybody else”. I pointed out 1) not his responsibility and 2) she has her mom, her aunt, and at least two online friends that she appears to talk to a lot (one of them was in our area a few weeks ago, and Lora met up with her to hang out in person). So she does have some people.

(one interesting side note: when I commented about Lora having two other people, at first he thought that one of the ones I was talking about was her coworker, who she was going out with a lot a few weeks ago. And he said “I don’t know how much Lora has Coworker. I think they had a falling out or something.” and I thought “Of course they did. Because Lora probably eventually did something shitty or controlling or generally not socially acceptable, and Coworker backed away.”)

The other thing I pointed out gently is that he might need to tell her at some point that their communication needs to be centered on getting her things, and ONLY getting her things. He said he knew. The texting discussion they had this morning seems to be a hashing out of that point. He said that they both agreed that they didn’t want zero contact, but they also didn’t walk to talk daily or deeply about anything. So once or twice a week, there will be a generally “how are you/thinking of you” text.

I am not thrilled by that, and wish they wouldn’t speak at all, other than about logistics. I feel that way mainly because, based on emails, that she’s going to continue to harp on how miserable she is, in hopes of convincing Jon to “fix” it by getting back together with her. So I see all communication other than logistical communication to be a bad thing.

But that’s not my decision to make. We’ll see how their plan goes. I’m mostly curious to see if Lora actually sticks to this “only one or two days a week of a little texting” communication plan. I think she’ll try to use whatever tools at her disposable to figure out a way to get him to get back together with her. Time will tell.

On that note, I realized yesterday that I need to make it clear to Jon that, even if he did get back together with Lora, she is not moving back in with us under any circumstance. This is necessary for my mental health, and should be obvious, given that I was saying we couldn’t live together anymore, just before the break up.

But I love spelling things out and making them crystal clear, so I wrote him a letter saying so, which I’m going to give to him tonight. We’ll see how that goes.

As for getting her things, Lora was originally going to come either Wednesday or Friday of this week (she has those days off) to pick up some more of her things, to keep with her at the sublet. Mainly more work clothing, and the toiletries she left behind and would like with her. She wants to do this when both Jon and I are not home, which I am 100% totally fine with, as of now (not expecting her to be dumb enough to trash anything, and already taking precautions to hide and/or mark a few things that she absolutely shouldn’t be getting into to make it obvious if she did get into them).

When Jon and I were talking yesterday, he said that Saturday she’d said she really wanted the toiletries, and wanted to come by Sunday to get them. But then she started freaking out over email about it being too upsetting, so she didn’t come Sunday, and doesn’t appear to be ready to come at all this week.

I’m willing to give this a bit of time, because abusive asshole that she is, I understand she may really need some more time before she can come back to get her stuff. Jon and I already established a hard limit on when all of her stuff MUST be gone by (end of August).

I’m still in the mental space where I think this delaying could be genuine grief, it could be a stalling tactic/part of a larger plan to get back together with Jon or it could be both. So any plans that I make, I’m making with the assumption that either could be true, and preparing accordingly, if that makes sense.

Since she isn’t coming this week, I asked Jon if I could move some of her toiletries into the little bedroom, and out of the bathroom. Seeing them makes me feel both sad and angry; I imagine for Jon, at the least, seeing them makes him sad (and far sadder than me), if not angry. He said moving them was fine, so I’m going to move them tonight.

I also decided to start cleaning up the little bedroom a bit. Not her actual possessions, but the detritus littering the floor and all of the dirty dishes, glasses, and silverware. Part of my reason for doing that was a concern about things sitting in there getting grosser and grosser (which was spot-on. I found several mugs of something nasty and mouldering in there last night, and set them to a good soaking). Another part is that when she comes to take care of her stuff, frankly, I want her to get right into taking care of her stuff, and not have to spend hours cleaning too.

Let’s make it as easy as possible for her to move out, for all of our sakes.

If worse comes to worse, I have no problem throwing all her stuff into big boxes, and then having her mom & aunt come and get everything at some point before the end of August. The only thing I would insist on for that is that either Jon or me be home for that, just to make sure that anything left behind is left behind with the understanding that it will be put on the curb (and will be put on the curb immediately, so it is gone from our place).

And if it were to be me staying behind, and her mom asks who I am, I’m not going to lie about it (her mom still doesn’t know, to my knowledge, that she was living with me (me being Lora’s partner’s other partner.)). I won’t volunteer it either, but…no lying.


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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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