the space between, respecting boundaries, and blending rituals

I have to admit that having Lora’s stuff here with no clear plan of when it’s going to go is driving me nuts.

I am a ritual rearranger after any kind of ended relationship (including roommate ones), even if we didn’t live together. I’ll repaint, move the art around, get new furniture (especially if it was a roommate & some furniture went with them), reorganize where I keep things…I need to make my home different. I need physical manifestations of the emotional and relationship changes in my life.

I have no idea if Jon feels that way. He’s still very raw; I’ve been concerned that asking him would be too much right now. So I’ve been doing a bunch of those “wouldn’t it be great if we…” projects that we have around the apartment. Little things here and there that never had anything to do with Lora, but make small changes that I can see and internally link to her being gone. I’ve fixed the paint in one room that got messed up. In the living room, I’ve finally fixed a broken shelf on on our of bookshelves, so now the books are back up neatly. I cleaned out the fridge, tossing food that’s gone bad, and feeling cathartic when it her food that had gone bad. There are another dozen or so little projects of that kind that I want to do, and try to do one every day or so, to keep the changes coming, as time goes by.

One bit of good news is that when we all moved in together, we decided to get a storage unit for our excess furniture and some things that we didn’t really have room to store at home. As much as possible, we did toss superfluous things. But we had a number of items (like camping equipment) that we definitely use, but didn’t have room to store in our home. We got the cheapest unit we could, and it had enough room for other furniture, things that we didn’t really want to toss. For sentimental reasons. Or because we could reasonable see using them in the future. Or because they were in perfect shape, and we felt guilty about tossing them, and didn’t want to deal with trying to sell them.

So when Lora finds a living situation, there will be furniture that is hers for the taking, for free.  Not to mention the little odds and ends of furniture that she owns, like her desk. There are some things that I wouldn’t part with, if they’re going to her, but there are definitely other things in storage that I would be fine with her having.

For the moment, I poke around at home. Rearrange things. A little here, a little there. Changing things bit by bit. Trying to do enough to give me the feeling of transition that I badly crave while I wait for Jon to get to a point where we can have a discussion about how he wants to take care of removing her things from around the house.

I have no idea what we’re doing with the little bedroom now. I feel like maybe we’ll want to use both bedrooms equally, so as we have other people that we date, we have a place to bring them home too, if it gets to that point. I know that’s a long ways down the line, but I like to get general ideas of these things, if only to give myself a sense of a path that I’m traveling down.

I still think we’ll leave this place when our lease is up next year. I think there has been enough pain here that both Jon and me will want a fresh start in a place that isn’t so burdened with so many painful memories. I know that is something that I crave.

We’ll see.


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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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