bad little bits

I ended up having a bit of a crisis at work this weekend, and working a lot. My boss was awesome enough to give me Monday off to compensate. That was especially nice, because Jon was working on Saturday, and prepping for another job on Sunday, while I was working, so we ended up getting to see more of each other than we would have, had we had a “traditional” weekend.

I also saw some things that were deeply concerning.

On Sunday night, I noticed a bunch of messages from Lora. There was nothing sinister in the messages themselves; they all appeared to be links to things that Lora thought Jon should check out. I saw them because we were spending a bit of time together watching TV before bed, and as Jon got the messages, his phone lit up. He glanced over at it, but didn’t check it, or do anything with it.

At the time, my main thought was “Huh. That seems like a lot of messaging, give Jon and Lora’s ‘we’re only going to have minimal contact once or twice a week for now’ agreement” followed by “You know, if my partner of three years told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me anymore because of the way I’d abused him, I don’t think I’d be sending him links to buzzfeed articles and catvines a week and a half after the break-up. That seems…off”.

Which made me suddenly wonder…exactly how did Jon break up with Lora? What did he tell her? Did he actually tell her it was because of her abuse?

Are these questions my business?

Today, there was a lot going on with Lora. I don’t know exactly what, but I do know that she called him several times, and I’m pretty sure his “I’m going to run out and grab a few more bottles of wine for us. Why don’t you keep doing laundry while I do that, so we get done faster?” was a reason to get out of the house and have a phone conversation with her. For several hours after he got back, there was constant texting back and forth.

No, I don’t know for absolute sure it was Lora. It seems damned unlikely that it was anybody else. Especially since Jon usually tells me what’s going on when he gets a ton of texts that he answers when we’re spending time together. Not in detail, but I typically get a “Sorry, Andrew has a bunch of questions about this work project” or “If it’s OK with you, I’m texting a lot because Sherri had a fight with Sandra, and we’re talking it over”.

But this, today. No comment.

By the evening, Jon told me that he’d really like some alone time for the rest of the evening. Which is fine, in and of itself. But he seemed rather sad and upset when he asked for it, despite repeatedly assuring me that he wasn’t sad or upset.

When I ask my gut, it says that it smells something bitter and Lora-related.

Also Lora-related, today I got an email from Lora too. The subject line was “cute!” and it contained a “What is your inner cat?” test. My last communication with Lora was about how sorry we both were about how things ended.

Not really something I’d expect to be followed with an inner cat quiz.

I feel like this highlights a bit of the dichotomy that The Gift of Fear talks about, when it speaks of both identifying with bad people but also realizing when their behavior has gone off the reasonable rails and into something different. In order to understand where someone else is coming from, we try to empathize with them. But if they are truly mentally ill, then at some point our ability to empathize doesn’t help us, as they are driven to do things or behave in ways that we would never imagine.

Like sending an inner cat quiz to a metamour after a break-up caused by your sustained emotional abuse and controlling behavior towards your shared metamour.

I debate if I should ignore this email. I also debate if I should write Lora a little note:

Dear Lora,

Thank you for thinking of me. However, for the time being, it would be best if you confined it to thinking and not to actual sharing. Because seeing your name in my inbox makes my stomach ache, and I’m still furious enough at you for your emotional abuse of Jon that I write long, ranty diary entries, as I continue to try to expel all the negativity.

If I ever want to speak to you again, I’ll let you know.

– Liz

This sounds like a question for my therapist.

In the meantime, I wonder if what’s going on is that it’s been over a week, and Lora is just know that in that week+ she’s made ENORMOUS progress and everything is TOTALLY FINE, so they should get back together NOW and put this whole miserable business behind them. Right?

I asked Jon tonight, if it would be a good time to have a serious talk. About what? he asked. About Lora, I said. He looked sadder and more miserable and said that tomorrow night would be better. Originally, I’d only planned on asking him if he had an opinion on how I could respond to Lora’s email to make it clear to her that I desired no contact from her now or for the foreseeable future. Though now I’m wondering if I should also ask him what the fuck else is going on.

All I want is her things out of the apartment, the keys back, and to know, for absolute sure, that I am not going to come home and find her here. That’s really all I want. Well, that and for Jon to make a clean break from her, because I think that trying to continue ANY kind of relationship with her is only courting her trying to slide her way back into his life.

Why am I suddenly worried that things aren’t as over as they should be? Why do I feel like I’m not trying going to be able to relax until the last belonging is gone and we have the keys back?

Because my gut tells me that.

Thanks, The Gift of Fear.

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lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

3 thoughts on “bad little bits”

    1. It’s a really good book! It is a bit scary, in that it may open your eyes to some scary things that you haven’t fully thought through. But I think it’s ultimately worthwhile, in that it teaches us HOW to be more careful and aware of potentially dangerous situations.

      In terms of Lora, in my head, I’m translating a lot of it to be about emotional violence instead of physical violence, and a lot of the advice/situations do translate well and in ways that I think are really helpful for me, in terms of understanding Lora’s behavior and the best ways to counter it.

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  1. I think your gut is dead-on about Lora and that you’re also right about needing to ask Jon what’s going on. You have nailed instance after instance which individually indicate something’s up with Lora, but when put together, how could it be anything else? Considering the emotional turbulence recently, maybe Jon is in denial a bit or still trying to catch up and figure out Lora. Either way I think you’re right again that a clean split is the only way to move forward for everyone at this point. I hope you and Jon are able to bring a less stressful environment to your lives sooner rather than later. Good luck, and know that you are never alone.
    ❤ LG

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