more bad bits

So Jon told me what the talking and texting with Lora was about. She wanted to talk to Jon about how to find an apartment to rent a room in. And I know, I know, the answer should be NO. No help for her. However, I know that, were I in his shoes, I’d also be saying “Well, I really do want to help a little on that”, though were I in his shoes, we’d have broken up way before she moved in.

When we talked, he also told me why he was looking more and more depressed Monday night. After Lora left her job that evening, they called to tell her that it was over. They didn’t need her anymore – at least not for the office part (The data entry stuff is still something they still want her to do). They decided that they were over-staffed, so they had to cut her. Lora called Jon panicked about this, and he acknowledged to me that he is still having an emotional reaction like she is his girlfriend – given that the break up happened so recently, I can understand why it’s hard for him to out of that mindset already. Especially since he’s still seeming to wrestle internally with his decision and feeling like he failed by breaking up with her.

About the loss of the job – I find this extremely fishy. Not that it happened but – I know they hired someone after her, because they decided that they needed an additional person in the office for the summer. If they decided that they over-staffed themselves, why wouldn’t they have gotten rid of that person? I know that in the weeks leading up to the break-up, Lora was going into work late a lot and calling out sick a lot – she and Jon had a fight about it the weekend before they broke up – he was worried that she was treating this “dream job” (best environment she’d ever been in and paid significantly more than any other job she’d had) too cavalierly – which she definitely was.

I wonder if they let her go because she was abusing the job. She’d been at this job for a bit over three months. As I’ve noticed myself, after a few months, Lora starts to show her true self. She acts a little shitty at times, less respectful, more obnoxious, more neurotic. So I wonder if the “real” Lora started to come out, and they didn’t like that chick, so they let her go.

I wish Jon and I could have a fucking honest conversation about this shit, because I’d love to have an honest conversation about what a shitty human she turns into, as you get to know her. But he’s still in denial about that.

Though she still has the date-entry part of the job, unless they send her to a new job in the very near future, not having a job seriously fucks with her ability to stay in our area (and gives her less a reason to do so).

For the millionth time, I’m so glad that I told Jon that Lora isn’t able to come back and live with us again, period. End of story. I am pretty sure that he understands how not-flexible that is, and how big a deal it would be if he pushed it, and thus, won’t push it.

Lora on the other hand…I can hear it now. At the end of July: “I just need a few more weeks to save money and get this job thing figured out, and I swear I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible and getting a place, I just need a little time…”. No. No no no. Add to this that Lora had told Jon she’s probably going to drop her summer course, because finding a place is going to occupy too much of her time to work AND do her class…

Let’s look at Lora’s options here:

1) Move back to her mom’s, which is way cheaper, with no housing expenses and probably much of food covered too. She has her mom and a number of other relatives there for support. She can also still do data-entry work and finish her college education.


2) Stay here, where half of her “support network” broke up with her and the other half wants nothing to do with her. Renting out a room in an apartment here will cost three to four times what she was going to start paying us in rent. She told us that she wasn’t able to pay more than what she was going to pay us per month and THAT was when she had a full-time job! Also, in order to stay and find a place, she feels it necessary to drop the summer course that is the second to last class she needs to finish to get her college degree.

The obvious answer is #2 right? That’s definitely the reasonable, responsible, and forward-thinking option.

Either way, part of what Jon & I talked about our feelings on having a period of radio silence after a break-up. He said something like he feels like it depends on the relationship, and he wasn’t sure yet if his & Lora’s relationship needed that, but that it was REALLY hard to think about anything like that as long as her stuff was all still here. I totally get that. I also wonder how much she’s going to try to use that as leverage, and I wonder if part of her being determined to stay here, instead of go back to her mom’s (several hours away) is because she feels like she still has an “in” with him, and a hope of getting back together with him if she’s here.

Ruminating aside, I did make sure that Jon and I were clear that Lora’s loss of job does not mean that her timeline for getting her things has changed. He said that even if she doesn’t totally know what she’s doing by the end of July, she is going to come and decide what things are staying with her. Anything that can’t go with her will be picked up by her mom shortly thereafter.

I really hope that’s what actually happens.

And I’m still glad that I can start moving things into the little bedroom now, from the rest of the apartment. I think I may start boxing some things up soon (like her blankets). Even if I don’t tape the top of the box closed, so she can grab the ones she wants to keep with her, it’ll still feel like another good step in the right direction.

One last thing that Jon and I talked about was that he doesn’t think “radio silence” might be necessary for this, because he made it EXTREMELY clear to her that the chances of them getting back together were nil. I pointed out that thing about people not always hearing what you say, no matter how clearly you say it, which he nodded to. At the time, it didn’t occur to me to point out those two options I mentioned above. But when I think of them myself, I feel like…I feel like her only reason for staying in the area is because she thinks she and Jon will get back together. She has no friends here. She has only what small amounts of support Jon gives her in terms of finding a place to live – which, for her, may be enough to convince her that he really does care, and that they really will get back together.

I guess we’ll see.






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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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