I did a very bad thing

I will not make excuses for it. It was wrong. I struggle with that. I did a very bad thing. But I’m not sorry. And I can’t say that – could I do it over – I wouldn’t do it.

Jon used my computer while I was at work yesterday. He left his email open on it.

This is curious because he has a laptop. Why didn’t he use it? My current computer is an old PC that is remarkably frisky (the RAM is all hopped up to cope with Lightroom. I do macro photography for fun. I have a remarkable collection of macro photos of cat eyes. Macro cat eyes really do look like the Eye of Sauron. But I digress…).

He saw me seeing that he left his email open on it last night. He did not sign out.

I read his gchat.

Which is so much better than reading his email, right?

No. Wrong. Just as bad. Justifications are only justifications.

I learned that my fear that Lora isn’t aware that they are broken up for good was well-founded. She keeps asking him if they’ll get back together in a month or two. He keeps saying he doesn’t know. To ask later.

He keeps saying he can’t deal with that question right now. That he needs to heal.

But he doesn’t say no.

He told me there is no chance that she would think they were getting back together, because he has been very clear that they aren’t.

He hasn’t been very clear.

I mean, were I Lora, I’d think there is a pretty damn good chance of them getting back together in a month or two.

I called Issi, in shock, in horror, in grief of what I’d done. Which she talked me down from. And we both agreed that I needed to tell Jon of my violation of his privacy. That is a conversation that needs to be about me doing something wrong. Not a conversation about how I did something wrong , but I discovered him doing something wrong-er, so we need to talk about that, because it’s really his fault.

I don’t know if I want to tell him what I did, as the time stretches on.

A part of me feels remarkably better. Because now I know that my gut feelings about Lora blowing up when she realizes that she really does need to move her stuff out aren’t unfounded.

That was one of the things that I learned. Jon never told her that I told him that she absolutely cannot live here again. She thinks (and said) that Jon kicked her out, that Jon is saying that they cannot live together right now (“right now” being “the next few months”).

As Issi said, that could be Jon trying to protect me. Trying to make sure that Lora doesn’t make it about how *I* forced Jon to break up with her.

I am totally fine with Lora knowing that I am the person who kicked her out.

Here’s the kicker: I may have been the person who kicked her out, but I didn’t end the relationship. Both before and after the break-up, I’ve said that if he wants to stay in a relationship with her, I cannot control that. But we cannot live together.

Regardless of Jon, I made the decision that I and Lora cannot live together. I did not make the decision that Jon and Lora cannot live together.

I wouldn’t be happy if they did. I wouldn’t be happy if Jon had stayed together with Lora. But I wouldn’t stop it either.

I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t want to tell Jon that I snooped. I have no desire to say “I told you so” when things blow up. It’s because…well, because I don’t want him to be angry at me. Because I don’t want him to feel like his trust in me was misplaced.

Was his trust in me misplaced? I’ve never snooped before. I know the security code on his phone; I could have done it a million times.

I didn’t, because I trusted him. I don’t know what to do, when having a fight between my gut and what I’m told. When Jon tells me that he’s being clear with Lora, but my gut tells me “He’s not; the worst is yet to come”, I don’t know what to do.

He is gone for a week, on a job. I wouldn’t want to tell him what I did over the phone, or email, or text. I have time to come to terms with it, and decide to tell him.

I still don’t know if I’m going to tell him.

For the record, I don’t think he lied to me deliberately. I think he’s hurting. I think he still loves Lora. I think he’s doing the best he can do. I think he doesn’t realize how much he’s hurting Lora by not being honest about her and flat-out saying that they have no hope of a future for the next few years.

I think he may be trying to “ease her into it gently”. I think he may be afraid that when he tells her that there is no hope for the future, she is going to go apeshit and tell him that he is a horrible person who is hurtful and terrible and only out to make her miserable.

She already said that in chat. Something like “Where is the man who promised to protect me and love me and keep me safe? Where did he go when I was kicked out of my home?”

I read that. Something very like those words.

He said that he was sorry.

I would have asked where the woman was who was supposed to protect me, and not abuse me, and not try to control me.

But Jon and I are in very different places on that.

Jon and I are in very different places on a couple of very important things.

So I’m going to keep thinking and hoping and hurting about betraying his trust.

Is it a bad sign that being upset at betraying his trust is actually less painful than feeling like I’m crazy for thinking that things aren’t over with Lora, and the worst is yet to come?

Even though I betrayed his trust, knowing that I am not crazy means the world to me.

I’ll have to see what it means to Jon.

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Published by

lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

6 thoughts on “I did a very bad thing”

  1. I’ve been following your posts avidly as I find I can really relate to what you’ve been going through. I don’t want to seem judgmental, but it sounds to me like none of these relationships are very healthy. Do Jon’s reasons really matter? He is telling you one thing and telling Laura another. Is that the kind of man you want, the kind of relationship you want? A partner who is more concerned with everything other than making you feel safe and secure in your own home and in your relationship with him? It doesn’t sound to me like he’s respecting you nor honoring his word. Your gut has been dead-on in regards to the situation with Laura – does that not call in to question the risks Jon is introducing into your home, your relationship and your life? As you mentioned you’ve had a thousand chances to snoop when it comes to Jon, and you never have. Why now? Don’t get me wrong, I agree that what you did was wrong, and it’s admirable that you want to take responsibility for it. I also agree with you that it’s not Jon’s fault because he did something “more wrong”. However, I would suggest you look at WHY you were driven to do something so out of character and which you obviously feel guilty for? I suspect the answer to that question has everything to do with the lack of security pervading your world. No matter how much you care about other’s, at some point we all have to be willing to look out for our own best interests. Reading what you’ve been writing lately sounds more and more like you are focusing on everyone else but nobody is focusing on you and your needs. I honestly wish you the best and I hope things get easier for you in the near future.
    ❤ LG

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    1. Hi LG – I don’t disagree with you. The main thing that I keep thinking about is that Lora is the only person/situation/thing in Jon’s life that I don’t trust him about. He is like gold in every other way. Really, I hope that someday, when this blog isn’t all about getting Lora out of my life, I will actually spend more time writing about Jon, and the wonderful things we do, and what a great person he is, in all ways except when he comes to Lora.

      As to Lora – I had a talk with my therapist about things last week. One of the things that I realized is that I don’t currently trust Jon to date good people. If he dates another Lora, we’re going to be done, I think. At the very least, I don’t think I could live with him. And I would have to seriously evaluate if I want to spend the rest of my life watching someone I love pick abusive partners and be cut down by them. I really don’t think I could stand living like that.

      But as I’ve said before, the exes of his that I’ve met are wonderful. All his friends are wonderful. His family is wonderful. HE is wonderful and a great partner with excellent boundaries, except when it comes to Lora.

      Having read some of what she writes to him – she is abusive and deeply manipulative. Reading her words, I honestly don’t think it’s deliberate manipulation. I don’t think that she actually knows very well how to communicate with other people without trying to control them and/or put her feelings on to them much of the time. She switches gears from being really compassionate and earnest to talk about how horrible things are for her, with little subtle digs about how it’s all Jon’s fault, but it’s ok, because it’s going to be worth it in the end, so she can hold on. I think she believes a lot of what she says (if not all of it), and genuinely believes that this is how people communicate and that putting her shit on Jon the way she does is how people do things. I don’t know for sure though, and I don’t care – or rather, I do care, but I can’t verify, so I’m going to try to mostly care about other things, that I can verify or do something about.

      Like getting her stuff out (which we have a hard date for, August 24th). I care about Jon getting therapy. I care about finding out if he’s going to have a new relationship trend of dating shitty, abusive people or if this was a one-time deal.

      As to why I did it – I did it because my gut kept telling me that something was off, in the break-up. It was driving me crazy, in part because in all other things, my gut feels good about Jon, and is spot-on about Jon. But in this…it wasn’t. And it was driving me up a wall. So I did a dumb, shitty, disrespectful thing. And now, at least I know that I’m not crazy. I still honestly don’t know if that makes it worth it in any way.

      To tie that back in with Jon’s relationship with Lora and her manipulation – I think he does truly love her. I think he does truly believe that she is the person that she sometimes is, when she says amazing things and sounds like a capable, compassionate person. I think he’s really conflicted, because he is so in love with her, but he also knows she’s really abusive. And he just hasn’t hit that rock bottom point with her yet, where he realizes that he has to walk away, lest it totally gut him. I’m still willing to see if he gets there and see what comes after, because I’ve been there.

      Speaking of which, this is how I left the only long-term emotionally abusive relationship I was in. It was with an amazing guy (or so I thought), who’d had a really fucked up childhood. Which he used as a crutch, and an excuse for his shittiness. I thought he was so wonderful. And he often *was* wonderful – when he wasn’t being a shitty, controlling, selfish, manipulative dickhead. I tried to break up with him three times. And he talked me out of it each time. He smelled *so* good. Smelling him was like coming home. I’m not kidding – I’d smell this guy and all I’d want to do is just snuggle up to him and smell him and feel safe, even if that safe feeling was a lie.

      Which was hard to know, because he did have that knack of saying the exact right thing in the moment, when I was wavering. I do think that he meant the things he said in that moment. But I think that for him (like Lora, like some other people I’ve known), sometimes saying something…it’s like they imagine that magical future in that moment, and having said what they said, they see it happen, so it’s happened, so there’s no need to actually do it *again*, because it already happened in their minds. Does that make sense? My mom does it a lot. You can see her talking about doing something and almost see her envisioning behind her eyes. And for her, after she’s done it in her head, it’s like it’s done and she doesn’t really face the reality of it actually NOT being done.

      Anyways, when I hit my rock-bottom with him, it was one of those things that he was doing that was shitty and he’d done similar things a million times before, but for some reason, I had this sudden clarity that he was always going to be like that. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. I also knew that if I tried to break up with him in person, he’d somehow manage to talk me out of it again.

      So I broke up with him over the phone. I never saw him in person again.

      I think if I saw him now, five+ years later (some chance, he lives somewhere in my area), I’d be OK, but I’d keep my distance – just in case.

      But after we broke up, I did everything through friends (get him his stuff back, get my stuff back from him place), because I was afraid that if I saw him in person, I’d break down and not be able to do it.

      We could reasonably say that – just as Jon hasn’t hit rock bottom with Lora, I haven’t hit rock bottom with Jon.

      I really hope that he will hit rock bottom before I do, so that I don’t have to hit rock bottom with him

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      1. Once again, it sounds like you’re thinking very clearly about all this. Your gut is smart and knows what’s up. The way Lora’s been behaving sounded a LOT more like someone who’s trying to be on her best behavior in order to win back what she’s lost, than somebody who’s been confronted with a “No, actually, for real, this is it and there’s nothing you can do to change it.”

        Whenever she does get it, I would expect her to unleash the ugliest behavior she’s capable of. Maybe Jon knows this, on some level, and is avoiding hitting her with the full truth because that’s too much trauma to process right now, while he’s also dealing with his own fresh grief and guilt. Abuse breeds deception and half-truths, because it’s not safe to be honest. And those things tend to bleed into our other relationships, because we lose our ability to see clearly what the truth even IS. Or because we fear, however irrationally, that our other partners will treat us the same way the abusive partner does. I wonder if Jon was misrepresenting his conversations to you out of fear of you being angry with him, because he’s internalized that he gets (and possibly deserves) a certain kind of treatment when he’s done something wrong. I don’t know… but I do know, from experience, that leaving an abusive relationship puts you in a pretty fucked-up headspace, and you are not able to give your best to other relationships.

        (It’s also very possible that he’s said the words “This is over, we are not getting back together” to her, and she just refused to hear them, and he’s not willing to keep pushing it.)

        This is a shitty, awful situation and I hope you’re both able to pull through it.

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        1. I did see, with my own eyes, words that were vague enough that I’d think there was a fair chance of getting back together, were I Lora.

          That said, I think you’re absolutely spot-on with Jon only being able to handle so much grief right now. He’s still in the middle of blaming himself for not being “enough”. I remember how awful that feels. The guy that I broke up with who is the only person I’ve dated who I’d truly term “emotionally abusive” (versus “acts shitty sometimes when fighting” or something lesser)…I felt so horrible when I broke up with him. I felt like he had so much potential, and he was just struggling to find a way to tap it, and I was going to help him, and it was going to be wonderful…even breaking up with him after the umteenth shitty thing, I felt more horrible about abandoning him than anything.

          Though in my case, well. Heh. It makes me laugh (now) to remember it. After I broke up with him, he sent me a really long email the next day about how awful I’d been to him that weekend and how he *would* accept my apology, but I had a LOT of work to do, to make him feel better. I wrote him back: “I broke up with you.” That was the entirety of the email. And it spurred an email chain of vitriol and insanity that launched me straight out of the “I’m a terrible person for giving up on this poor beleagured person” into the “Why the hell didn’t I break up with this abusive asshat sooner?” phase.

          But it took him unleashing his emotions at the scorthed-earth level for me to get there. Lora is definitely still in the “bargaining & angling for a way back in” stage. Once she realizes it’s really hopeless…well, we’ll see. I hope I’m wrong and that she goes quietly, but I really don’t think that’s what going to happen.

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          1. In the short term it would be nicer if she went quietly… as you noted, though, the scorched-earth route does tend to eradicate guilt pretty fast, so there’s that upside at least.

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          2. I would love it if she went quietly. My hinky meter tells me that it’s not going to be the case. In part because she repeatedly messaged him something like “I didn’t go apeshit when you dumped me and threw me out of my house. You know you can talk to me”. Which is…Ok, so she didn’t go apeshit then…because she probably decided that retreating and giving him time to think it over and have doubts would serve her better. Also, she’s gone apeshit enough over far lesser things that no, nobody can trust her not to go apeshit again. I think the apeshit is being saved for when she realizes that there is no hope at all.

            I have a few more thoughts that this provoked, but it’s enough that I’m going to turn them into another post.

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