I will not make excuses for it. It was wrong. I struggle with that. I did a very bad thing. But I’m not sorry. And I can’t say that – could I do it over – I wouldn’t do it.
Jon used my computer while I was at work yesterday. He left his email open on it.
This is curious because he has a laptop. Why didn’t he use it? My current computer is an old PC that is remarkably frisky (the RAM is all hopped up to cope with Lightroom. I do macro photography for fun. I have a remarkable collection of macro photos of cat eyes. Macro cat eyes really do look like the Eye of Sauron. But I digress…).
He saw me seeing that he left his email open on it last night. He did not sign out.
I read his gchat.
Which is so much better than reading his email, right?
No. Wrong. Just as bad. Justifications are only justifications.
I learned that my fear that Lora isn’t aware that they are broken up for good was well-founded. She keeps asking him if they’ll get back together in a month or two. He keeps saying he doesn’t know. To ask later.
He keeps saying he can’t deal with that question right now. That he needs to heal.
But he doesn’t say no.
He told me there is no chance that she would think they were getting back together, because he has been very clear that they aren’t.
He hasn’t been very clear.
I mean, were I Lora, I’d think there is a pretty damn good chance of them getting back together in a month or two.
I called Issi, in shock, in horror, in grief of what I’d done. Which she talked me down from. And we both agreed that I needed to tell Jon of my violation of his privacy. That is a conversation that needs to be about me doing something wrong. Not a conversation about how I did something wrong , but I discovered him doing something wrong-er, so we need to talk about that, because it’s really his fault.
I don’t know if I want to tell him what I did, as the time stretches on.
A part of me feels remarkably better. Because now I know that my gut feelings about Lora blowing up when she realizes that she really does need to move her stuff out aren’t unfounded.
That was one of the things that I learned. Jon never told her that I told him that she absolutely cannot live here again. She thinks (and said) that Jon kicked her out, that Jon is saying that they cannot live together right now (“right now” being “the next few months”).
As Issi said, that could be Jon trying to protect me. Trying to make sure that Lora doesn’t make it about how *I* forced Jon to break up with her.
I am totally fine with Lora knowing that I am the person who kicked her out.
Here’s the kicker: I may have been the person who kicked her out, but I didn’t end the relationship. Both before and after the break-up, I’ve said that if he wants to stay in a relationship with her, I cannot control that. But we cannot live together.
Regardless of Jon, I made the decision that I and Lora cannot live together. I did not make the decision that Jon and Lora cannot live together.
I wouldn’t be happy if they did. I wouldn’t be happy if Jon had stayed together with Lora. But I wouldn’t stop it either.
I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t want to tell Jon that I snooped. I have no desire to say “I told you so” when things blow up. It’s because…well, because I don’t want him to be angry at me. Because I don’t want him to feel like his trust in me was misplaced.
Was his trust in me misplaced? I’ve never snooped before. I know the security code on his phone; I could have done it a million times.
I didn’t, because I trusted him. I don’t know what to do, when having a fight between my gut and what I’m told. When Jon tells me that he’s being clear with Lora, but my gut tells me “He’s not; the worst is yet to come”, I don’t know what to do.
He is gone for a week, on a job. I wouldn’t want to tell him what I did over the phone, or email, or text. I have time to come to terms with it, and decide to tell him.
I still don’t know if I’m going to tell him.
For the record, I don’t think he lied to me deliberately. I think he’s hurting. I think he still loves Lora. I think he’s doing the best he can do. I think he doesn’t realize how much he’s hurting Lora by not being honest about her and flat-out saying that they have no hope of a future for the next few years.
I think he may be trying to “ease her into it gently”. I think he may be afraid that when he tells her that there is no hope for the future, she is going to go apeshit and tell him that he is a horrible person who is hurtful and terrible and only out to make her miserable.
She already said that in chat. Something like “Where is the man who promised to protect me and love me and keep me safe? Where did he go when I was kicked out of my home?”
I read that. Something very like those words.
He said that he was sorry.
I would have asked where the woman was who was supposed to protect me, and not abuse me, and not try to control me.
But Jon and I are in very different places on that.
Jon and I are in very different places on a couple of very important things.
So I’m going to keep thinking and hoping and hurting about betraying his trust.
Is it a bad sign that being upset at betraying his trust is actually less painful than feeling like I’m crazy for thinking that things aren’t over with Lora, and the worst is yet to come?
Even though I betrayed his trust, knowing that I am not crazy means the world to me.
I’ll have to see what it means to Jon.