nightmares

I talked to Jon about my stress about Lora’s things not being out. In return, he got right up and went through the rest of the house and make sure all her stuff was packed up. Which was wonderful.

I also told him something I hadn’t mentioned before, either to him or here. My subconscious can be a really pushy asshole. If something isn’t happening that my subconscious thinks should happen, it really pushes the idea to me that something needs to happen immediately. In this case, I’ve been having nightmares regularly that Lora doesn’t get her stuff out before we leave. In them, she swears that she will, and we’ll come home to find her stuff gone and her keys on the table by the front door. So we go on vacation and have a wonderful time and return exhausted by happy. In the dream, we come home, and her keys are there on the front table, as promised. But she’s moved back in completely. I get upset and ask her what she’s doing, but she ignores me. Jon looks stricken, but doesn’t speak. He just stands there mute, and horrified, but accepting.

So I told him about that nightmare. And I asked him (because I can’t tell) if he was at all stressed about this. He said he is, but definitely not as much as I am. I think it’s partially because he really does believe that she’ll have her stuff out before we go on vacation. Not having nightmares about her moving in every few days probably helps too.

I also asked him why, if he does want her stuff out, he isn’t pushing harder. Not as a criticism, but genuine curiosity. He said he didn’t know what there was to push – she’d get her stuff out when she has a day. I said the fact that he had to ASK her to ask her mom – as in, she’s an adult, why didn’t she ask her mom herself without prompting weeks ago, and then email him saying “These are the dates my mom can do. When you let me know what works for you, I’ll confirm it with her and let you know when we’ll be there.”. He said he doesn’t know why she hasn’t emailed back. He speculated that she’s probably really busy looking for a job and doing her final and looking for a place to live. While she is doing all those things, she’s missing a step – get your stuff out of your ex’s place first!

I think she might be dragging this out on purpose. Despite her email about not wanting any contact, I think it might all be a way to keep Jon’s attention. I don’t know. Maybe it is just that she’s in a lot of pain and not thinking clearly. But it just…with all the other bullshit that’s gone on, I don’t trust her. That’s what it comes down to. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust her to do what she said she’d do (given the number of times she hadn’t done what she’s said before). I don’t trust her to not turn this all into an attention getting ploy – she’s done that before too. I don’t trust her to not deliberately be stringing things out so that her stuff is here while we’re on vacation, if only to be spiteful – I’ve seen her do and say spiteful things before too.

Whatever  is going on, Jon said that he’ll email Lora again tomorrow if he doesn’t hear from her today. If she still doesn’t respond, I will ask him to call and/or text her. Or maybe I’ll start doing it myself. At the very least, maybe I should ask Jon his feelings if I did that.

I. Just. Want. Her. Stuff. OUT.

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lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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