after some more talking

Jon and I talked more last night about moving Lora’s things to storage and how that came about. It seems that Lora’s stuff being moved into storage (versus her mom’s place) was the main reason why picking a date to move everything took so long. Jon’s impression is that Lora very strongly wanted her things to go back to her mom’s place; her mom is paying for the storage unit, and Lora would rather have that money go towards her living situation instead of storage. I’m going to speculate that Lora also definitely wanted to have her mom’s home as a back-up, if things don’t work out in our area.

Lora did pick up another data entry job that she can work on from anywhere, so she has had some amount of income coming in, even if she doesn’t have a full-time job. She’s also lined up another temporary place to stay for September. Jon said that Lora’s plan now is to continue to rent places by the month until she gets a full-time job. Once she has a full-time job and steady income, she’ll look for long-term housing.

While I don’t entirely understand the logic there (especially since shorter-term housing is generally more expensive), I keep telling myself “not my circus, not my monkeys”. In less than twenty-four hours, Lora’s stuff will be out of our home, we’ll have our keys back, and life without Lora will commence.

The only things I still need to decide are if I am going to send Lora a message like I’d originally wanted to and if I want to tell Jon that I don’t want to hear anything about Lora for a set amount of time.

In terms of sending Lora a message, my feelings are leaning pretty strongly towards “no”, at this point. My initial hurt and anger have died down, and Lora has completely ceased talking to me. Defriending and blocking me on Facebook on her one account, and then simply defriending me on the other account that she resurrected mean that I no longer have to worry about her reading/liking my posts – and, I can block her after tomorrow. Also, her defriending/blocking me felt like a pretty definitive statement that she doesn’t want me in her life, which I’m totally fine with.

If, at some point in the future, she and Jon develop a more intimate relationship again, and Jon wanted her to play a larger role in his life, then I would want to talk to her about my feelings on how things ended this time around. I feel like we do have unfinished business, and while I don’t feel a need to get into it now (since there’s at least some chance that Lora will either become a distant friend to Jon or fade out of his life entirely), if we were to resume any kind of relationship, I would need to get it off my chest.

I touched on this subject before, and I still do wonder –  what are your “rights” in terms of addressing YOUR feelings with your ex-metamour? While I definitely think that the two people having the break-up are the ones who most need to get their feelings out, I think some kind of outlet of communication for a partner who is also deeply affected by the break-up (and the abuse) is needed. But I don’t know when or how that outlet would be established. I imagine it would vary depending on the details, but still, the way things went, I didn’t take any time to communicate to Lora myself about how shitty things were for me and how harmful it was to watch her treat Jon so abusively and controllingly.

A part of me wonders if I should have communicated my feelings to her when she emailed me to apologize. I thought that was too soon. But maybe it wasn’t. I don’t think I’d have done as respectful and good of a job of communicating then, if I tried. It was still too raw.

Whatever I figure out in the future, I think the answer to one of my musings is that I’m not going to communicate further to Lora now (though I will be blocking her on Facebook once her stuff is out and we have the keys back. I don’t want to run into any “accidental” sightings of Lora through friends or find that she’s friended me again some day), but if it looks like she and Jon and developing a stronger friendship, then we’ll need to have some words about how things ended, and my expectations for any relationship that we have between the two of us.

In terms of telling Jon that I don’t want to hear anything about Lora, I have mixed feelings. Of his own volition, Jon has only mentioned Lora once in a light-hearted manner (telling me something funny she texted him). Most of his communication to me about Lora has either been about where we were on getting her stuff out, if she’d done something really hurtful (like unloading on him to the point of him walking out the last time they met) or if she’d said/done something that changed their relationship dynamic (like telling him that she wanted zero communication with him for awhile and then taking it back a few days later). Those are things I want to know about, to an extent. I don’t want details, but if their relationship changes radically (or ceases to be), I want to know about that, the same as I’d want to know about any other major relationship in Jon’s life. What I don’t care to know about are any little details of funny things that Lora has said/done/experienced.

Given how little of those things Jon has volunteered, I think I’ll probably have a quick talk with him once her stuff is out, about how I would like to know about any major changes, but as I’m still getting over their break-up myself, I’m not ready to hear any other details about her life. I wouldn’t object to him texting/gchatting/emailing with her when I’m around; I just don’t want any details. I’ll also mention blocking her on Facebook, and how I really need to control how much access she has to my life and/or attention (and make sure she has none) for at least a few months.

I hope that is fair, reasonable, and gives us all what we need.


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polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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