Lora and Jon went out to dinner earlier this week. She told him that she’s leaving our area and moving back in with her mom. The last few months, she’s needed to get extra money from her mom just to be able to eat and pay all her bills. Her mom can’t afford to help her out as much as she has been, so she’s moving home.
I have mixed feelings about this. I know I’ve advocated that Lora should move back to her hometown, and I still feel strongly that she should. But moving in with her mom…when Jon and Lora met, she was living with her mom and didn’t have a job. She pretty much stayed home, played video games, and went to school to work on her degree. This was in her mid-twenties.
I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll, but when I was in my late teens, and in college, my parents did foot much the bill for college (Some student loans were taken out in their name, and some where taken out in mine), and they did cover all my dorm and food costs my first semester (as well as car insurance), but I was expected to get a job and learn to balance school and work. By my senior year in college, I was paying my way for everything except for car insurance (which they agreed to keep paying as part of a generous birthday/Christmas gift package) and some of my tuition. Everything else, food, rent, gas, clothes, school books, that was me.
I know we’re all in different places in life, and I can understand Lora needing time and being unable to handle those things initially after leaving her deeply abusive ex and moving back in with her mom. That happened in her late teens. I feel…I feel uncomfortable being judgemental, but at the same time, I feel deeply concerned that moving back with her mom is going mean she goes right back to not working and just finishing up her single class left to get her degree, but spending most of her time playing video games and being online.
I know, I know. It’s not my problem. Why do I even care?
I don’t know. I just hope she’s not taking a step back. If she had a job, she’d at least be able to resume therapy – that’s something I didn’t know stopped. Sometime in the last two months she stopped being able to afford even a monthly visit. If she had a job and her therapist was OK with phone sessions, then at least she could do that, as well as throw a little money at her mom for rent and food.
You know, act like an autonomous adult capable of shouldering basic living responsibilities.
Jon has mixed feelings about the move. On one hand, he thinks it is the right thing to do, money-wise. But he also still feels very torn about what part (if any) he wants her to have in his life, and had been committed to seeing her about once a week or so, to see how that felt and what they’re communication was like. She has continued to respect his boundaries, and while he still wasn’t sure if he really wanted her in his life after the way she’s treated him, he did want more time to figure that out. Of course, there’s nothing stopping him from continuing to work on it, but actually spending time with her is going to get a lot more complicated.
On that note, I made it clear to him (because I like to talk about things early and in tiny words that have a minimum chance of being misunderstood) that if Lora wanted to come and visit our area some weekends, I was not ready to have her hang out in our home, much less spend the night. Jon didn’t suggest either of those things – I have no idea if they were on his mind at all. But I wanted to be clear about it, and let him know that if a time should come when he would like her to be able to do either of those things, then we definitely need to talk about it, because it’s absolutely not something that I would be ready for yet.
And that’s where things stand. Lora is going to quit her job rather abruptly, because she doesn’t want to have to pony up another month’s rent at her apartment. She should be moved out in a few days.
I really hope this is a good step for her and that moving back with her mom doesn’t just give her a better crutch to take minimum responsibility for herself and her own self care.