Where do I go from here?

I haven’t been writing much lately in this blog, and I feel badly about that. Though I’m not actively being polyamorous lately, I still have a lot of thoughts on poly that I want to share. I want to keep writing about More Than Two and my reactions and feelings as I read the book. I want to review other poly books. I want to write about other poly blogs that I find and enjoy and spark ideas about subjects to write about.

Unfortunately, much as I want that, it’s just not coming to pass right now.

My chronic health issue has taken a few turn for the bad. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. Today is actually one of those days. I feel like there are waves of pain suffusing part of my body, sometimes burning, sometimes it’s a weird feeling almost like menstrual cramps, in that it feels like something is clamping down on all the muscles in that part of my body and won’t let go. When it does let go, that part of my body twitches in the aftershock.

I did get a round of injections a few weeks ago, and while they did seem to help somewhat (and I’d tentatively say they are still helping; the pain isn’t as widespread as it was a few weeks ago), they definitely haven’t entirely helped and it seems I’ll need to go for a new round of them early next week. If they still don’t work, then I’ll probably start trying experimental treatments.

At any rate, given my current pain levels, I’m just too exhausted to write most of the time. It’s deeply frustrating. I get all these wonderful ideas and feel electric with excitement at the idea of writing about them. But then, a few minutes (or hours) later, the pain starts up and when I try to write I feel exhausted. The pain sucks away my enthusiasm, my inspiration, and my ability to make connections in my brain.

Sometimes it feels like it’s sucking away all of me.

So while I do want to write, my body and energy levels are just not cooperating. I am going to try to experiment over the next few weeks, and see if I can find a way to get out one post a week, or one every two weeks. I do want to keep writing. Writing about polyamory, especially in a place where I can get feedback has really helped me solidify the kind of polyamorous person I want to be. It’s been cathartic and supporting, when getting through the hard, scary parts of dealing with Lora, questioning if she was behaving abusively, then coming to terms with the idea that she was behaving abusively and figuring out how to handle that. And I vainly hope that sharing my experience has been helpful (or at least interesting) to my readers and maybe given them some ideas on how they want to conduct themselves in their relationships.

So I am going to do my best to keep writing here. It’s just going to be a slow, painful, bumpy ride for as long as my health keeps being poor. But I will do my best to keep on truckin’.

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lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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