a day of turkey and good feelings

Amusingly to me, when I typed out that title, I originally wrote “a day of turkey and food feelings”, which also were certainly out in force. We had a wonderful, foodful day and a really excellent Thanksgiving dinner. Ambivalent as I was feeling about spending the day with Rachel, it turned out to be a really good decision, and went a long way in helping me sort out my feelings.

I still have some feelings that I’m working through, but my impression from how things went yesterday is that I feel a lot more capable of being around Rachel and simply enjoying the relationship that we now have. It did feel good to be around her, but it didn’t feel…I no longer have this enormous, tearing pain in my heart about her and what we won’t have together in the future. I think I finally feel, deep in my heart and in my bones, that everything is going to be ok. No matter how it happened, no matter who said what wrong or who did what poorly, or what we could have done better, the reality is that we won’t be spending the rest of our lives together and we won’t be close, intimate friends anymore and both of those things are OK.

As enjoyable as yesterday was, I do think that it still will be healthiest for me to…if not “pull away” further from Rachel, to be really aware of the amount of time and energy that I’m putting into our relationship and make sure that I’m…I don’t know how to put this. I still care about Rachel, and I still want to spend some amount of time with her, I think. I’m still sorting that out. But what I’d really love in my life is more intimate connections with people who have partners who are emotionally healthy, and who are emotionally healthy themselves. People who are willing and able to deal with their emotional shit, get therapy when needed, and want to keep learning and growing.

If I want to be open to creating strong, loving bonds with other people, then I need to make sure that I keep the space open in my heart for that to grow. I shouldn’t fill that space with a relationship that can feel comfortable and wonderful when times are easy, but that I know isn’t going to go anywhere and can’t really give me what I need or want for the long term. And for Rachel too, I don’t know what her feelings are – we haven’t really talked to each other about our feelings for a long time. But I know that when she does move in with Jessica, and they start on the next phase of their lives, then my relationship with Rachel is probably going to fizzle away into next to nothing. It would be cruel to both of us to invest a lot of time and energy into our relationship again now, knowing that it’s going to wane away again.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to sort through my feelings and bask in the afterglow of a lovely Thanksgiving. It was about ninety-five percent lovely. The five percent that wasn’t lovely? Well…it just wouldn’t be a holiday, would it, if Lora didn’t call to fight with Jon?

Yep, Lora called in the early afternoon to fight with Jon. After the call was over, I asked Jon what was up. Sometime in the past few weeks, Lora decided that she felt like she wasn’t getting enough time and attention from Jon, and that she wanted to hang out with him more than once a week. Preferably twice a week, every week. Jon made it clear to her that – while he was interested in hanging out with her more – he had a lot of work coming up, so that wasn’t going to be possible for a while. It was likely that it wouldn’t be possible for them to even hang out once a week every week during these busy weeks.

Another grievance that she’d aired to him was that she felt like she was always the one reaching out, always the one initiating the texting or emailing. While it is in fact true that she’s always the person who texts/emails first every day that’s mainly because (as Jon pointed out to Lora), she works eight am to five pm every day, and he’s been working around two pm to two am most days. So if her daily routine is to get up, get ready for work, and then text/email Jon, she’s always going to be the first person texting and emailing, because Jon is still asleep! So Jon told her that if she wanted him to initiate contact more, then she was going to have to, you know, wait until he woke up and he’d message her then.

So he spent the next few days texting her shortly after he woke up. But she never answered. He assumed that she was in a snit about something, and stopped messaging her after sending a final text that said something along the lines of “I don’t understand why you’re not responding to me, even though I’m texting you more often like I asked, but I’m not going to keep trying if you’re going to ignore me”.

It turns out that she wasn’t exactly ignoring him. What she had done was what she’d threatened to do previously: She defriended him on FB (again), blocked him on FB (again), and changed her phone number. To punish him.

I am just shaking my head as I write. Just…oh, Jon. Why? Sigh.

So, Jon learned about this phone number change and blocking thing earlier this week. He’s on FB some, but not a lot, so he didn’t realize the blocking. And he had no reason to assume she’d changed her phone number – he just figured she was ignoring him. Again (apparently, this has happened before). Until she finally texted him from the new number and told him what she did.

And don’t you know, Jon actually got pissed off at her. He was really upset, and he told her earlier in the week that he really didn’t want to talk to her for awhile, because he had a lot of feelings about her doing those things, and needed the time and space to process that anger and decide what he wanted to do.

Jon not speaking to Lora for some days didn’t sit well with her. So she called yesterday basically to try to tell Jon that he was being an asshole, because all she was asking for was more of his time and attention, because he didn’t give her enough of either, and how was she supposed to feel secure in their relationship when he not only didn’t give her enough time and attention, but also stopped speaking to her for days? Jon pointed out to her that seeing her less because he was working was simply a thing that was going to happen sometimes. Period. No apologies. Deal with it. Also, he did make an effort to try to text her more, as soon as he woke up, and it certainly wasn’t his fault or something that SHE didn’t know that because she’d blocked him and changed her phone number. Likewise, he had EVERY reason in the world to be pissed at her for blocking him and changing her phone number to punish him – that’s completely childish, ridiculous, and not a way to treat a person that you have any kind of relationship with! So he was going to be pissed about that for as long as he needed to be pissed about it, and he was going to think about it and how it made him feel and if he needed to talk to her about it. Lastly, he told her that the problem wasn’t that he wasn’t giving her enough time and attention to feel secure. He told her that there wasn’t enough time and attention in the world to make her feel more secure. That was something that had to come from her.

When they hung up, Jon seemed…I don’t know how to describe it. He was irritated, but it wasn’t going to ruin his day. And it didn’t. When telling me about what was going on, he said that one thing he’d been letting himself do lately is be angry when Lora did shitty things. When they were dating, and even after the break-up, when she did shitty things, he often focused on how she couldn’t help herself and he’d think about being compassionate towards her, and how much pain she was in, and what he could do. He wouldn’t let himself get angry. He wouldn’t let himself register how much her behavior hurt him. And he would also behave as though her behavior didn’t have consequences. He’s ask her not to do something shitty again (for all the good it did him), but he would sort of force himself to get over her behavior and proceed as though it wasn’t hurtful to him.

Now he’s giving himself the space to be angry and process and insist on being left alone for awhile to deal with his feelings. I’m not entirely sure how that’s going for him. Lora continued to text him throughout the day, and he did answer her some of the time. Though at other times, he put his phone away for a few hours at a go, to focus on hanging out with our friends.

I feel like this is ever more validation that Lora isn’t going to be satisfied until they are in a romantic relationship again. And if they were to be in a romantic relationship again, her demands for more time, more attention, more focus, more of Jon’s energy, more of Jon’s support will be never-ending. Never. Ending.

I wonder if Jon’s ever going to have the same feelings that I do about Lora. Well, maybe not the exact same feelings, but if he’s going to realize, really realize that she is a bottomless needs vacuum and that any relationship that he has with her is always going to be characterized by her demanding more.

I don’t know what Jon’s going to do, but I am going to ask him about it after he’s had more time to process. I know he’s still thinking things through now. I hate to say it, but I really wish he’d tell her that he’s totally done, that she’s proven that they can’t even be friends, because even as friends, she’s still pushing at his boundaries, being too demanding, and acting out when she doesn’t get what she wants.

Sigh. So stupid. And I feel like I just spent a fair amount of this post explaining a relatively minor (to me) incident that really didn’t put a pall on our lovely Thanksgiving. Yes, it’s incredibly stupid. Yes, I wish Jon would sever all ties with Lora. Yes, at this moment, I believe that Lora is either incapable or completely unwilling to really work on herself and improve her behavior. Yes, I think it’s at least a healthy sign that Jon has told Lora that he’s angry about what she did, and needs time to process that and is really thinking about her behavior and how it hurts him and not just focusing on how she’s hurt and can’t help herself and giving her a free pass. But also, yes, we had a lovely Thanksgiving. Yes, I feel clearer about my feelings towards Rachel, and I think some more ruminating will get me even clearer still. Yes, I finally feel more peace in my heart over what has happened and where we are now. Yes, overall, I’m feeling more mentally clear and happier than I have in a long time. And Yes, though I hadn’t mentioned it, my most recent treatments for my health problems seem to be working pretty well, and I even have some hope there. Yes, I’m cautiously optimistic again.

Lora drama aside, I think things are really looking up. I think if I keep working at everything, at my relationships and my health, then the best truly is yet to come. I’m looking forward to the future again and eager to see it unfold.

I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving and is also living a life with eagerness to see how things unfold next. I feel very blessed. I hope you all do too. ❤

 

 

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lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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