that last talk

between Jon and Lora; Jon said it went well. He told Lora that the last six months has been really unpleasant for him, because she kept demanding his attention and pushing him to date her again, despite him repeatedly saying that he didn’t yet know if he could date her again. He explained to her that all he’d seen since the break up was that she would continue to push or walk over boundaries he set. And he told her that he couldn’t trust her anymore, because of the number of times that she’d told him she’d get help, or learn to curb her abusive and controlling behaviors, and didn’t.

Jon said that she understood everything, she said it made sense, she said she was sorry. Jon also said that their little get together was a lot faster than he thought it’d be. Lora seemed really focused on finishing getting things packed up for the move, and finding a new job when she got back to her mom’s. She asked if he’d be OK with her contacting him after she moved back and got her life settled. He said he wasn’t sure; she could send him an email and he’d let her know if he felt like talking at all or wanted to be left alone.

Then he left, drove home, and pretty much went on with having the rest of his life. There were no tears, there was no melancholia, no sadness. I asked him how he was feeling and he said he was totally done. That he thought he’d been done a long time ago, but couldn’t voice it out of guilt. Or maybe didn’t realize it or couldn’t let himself see it for a long time. But he felt really done and happy to move on.

I feel similarly. Ready to be done, to move on, to slowly forget about Lora and the toxic, corrosive experience that was knowing her.

As I was writing this, I took a peek back at what I was writing about last year at this time. I also looked at what I was journaling in my private journal, which is a lot more than my blog writing. It was just the beginning of things going really badly. One thing that I found interesting was the number of things that I was giving Lora a really big benefit of the doubt about a year ago, but now when I took at them, my first thought is “She’s manipulating you” or “She does know it’s shitty, she just doesn’t care”. I wonder if I’m seeing Lora more clearly now, or if I’m so biased against her by her bad behavior that I see ill intent where there is no ill intent.

I don’t know, and I’m sure as shit not going to lose sleep over trying to figure that out.

But I do whisper to myself-of-last-year to hold on, that things are going awful, but then they’re going to get better. So much better. Better than myself-of-last-year could possibly imagine. And in less than a year!

I have no idea what the future holds, but for now, I’m going to enjoy this little slice of emotionally quiet bliss.

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lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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