I am such a dork.
Jon and I were supposed to go out to a dance class on Friday night, when I was sadly stricken by a miserable headache. Sometimes I get really, really nasty headaches. I think they’re something like sinus headaches, because Tylenol won’t do shit for them, but Benadryl will.
Anyways, as I felt the headache forming and started packing up early to head home from work and be horizontal before the full force of the headache struck, I texted Jon both to let him know about the headache and that I was going to need to be picked up. He’s seen me have these often enough to know that dancing was now off the table. So he asked if I wanted to do anything else. Sometimes, when my head is bad, we bring my laptop to bed and semi-watch a movie. Or silly YouTube videos, like this one.
I suggested we reopen our online dating profiles and just browse about and see who we see. Then I cringed, because Jon had said earlier that he wasn’t quite ready. As I was typing out a “sorry, too soon, I take that back” response, I got a text from him: “hee, yes, that’d be fun. :-D”
Eeeeeeep! I wasn’t expecting that! I really wasn’t. And I suddenly felt flustered and weird and awkward and also had a bad memory of Lora looking at people online when she was doing one of her “I want to date other people” things (which she never did, because she only looked for people to date when she didn’t have a job, and thus “was too broke to date, which is totally unfair” (her words, not mine), but when she got a job, the urge to date always seemed to vanish). Lora looking for people to date seemed to be about 20% finding actual people to date and 80% making fun of dating profiles. I always found these sessions stressful, because I find mocking people awkward and uncomfortable and also, Lora seemed really…volatile during these times. She seemed to get off a bit on making Jon uncomfortable joking/taunting that she’d date people who sounded…I don’t know how to describe it, but people who Jon wouldn’t get along with, or seemed extremely different than him.
It felt really charged and uncomfortable and…Jon had this tone of voice, when Lora was trying to get a rise out of him. It came out a lot then.
This is one of those times when I realize that there is some shit about Lora that I still need to get out of my system. But like Trenton Hawley has mentioned in his scary, fascinating, and painful YouTube videos detailing his relationship to a woman who probably has borderline personality disorder, sometimes we need to share these things with an audience to help get them out of our heads.
Anyways, I felt suddenly overwhelmed and freaked out. With the headache brewing, it seemed like a bad thing to dig into.
So I chickened out, wholesale. Jon didn’t bring up looking at profiles with me when I got home, and I didn’t bring it up, and we had a chill evening watching random YouTube videos in bed. It was really relaxing and quiet and what I needed while I waited for my head to calm the fuck down.
But it totally skirted/ignored/looked past my little profile-looking suggestion and the feelings that followed.
I’m debating bringing up to him the weird Lora feelings that it stirred up. Does it matter if he knows? I just…I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I feel…well…I feel like you’re not “supposed to” look at profiles of people you might be interested in with your romantic partner. Rachel and I used to look at dating profiles together. Sometimes we’d curl up with a laptop and reading…I don’t know, a couple of dozen profiles in an evening. There were times when I saw a profile that I *really* loved and I’d ask her to help me write a message to the person. Oh, it was so sweet…there was this guy that I got a crush on, just by reading his profile (that didn’t happen often). He seemed so cool that I got really nervous at the idea of messaging him. So I asked Rachel and she helped me write him a message. He never responded and she got very offended on my behalf, because here I am, one of the awesomest people in the universe (hey, she said it, not me!), and he didn’t even answer?! What was wrong with that man!?
We had a lot of good, clean fun.
One thing that we really clicked on was that our sort of unspoken rules were…well, unspokenly agreed upon. We’d look at profiles together. Sometimes we’d help each other out with composing a first message. And we’d absolutely talk to each other about responses and further communication, but once it went from a couple of casual back-and-forths to looking like intimate details might be shared, we…were careful, you know? We talked about things, but we both had this kind of “I want to treat/talk about this person the way that I want this person to treat/talk about me with his/her loves”.
I really hope that Jon and I can do that.
But I also feel really shy and weird about it.
Even though I know he wants what I do (multiple loving relationships), it still feels weird. Because it’s just not done. And it’s covering new ground for us, together. There could be some feelings hurt, or maybe jealousy stirred, or anxiety about one of us being replaced by the other.
I mean, I’ve never felt those things about him before, but I could. Or he could.
I think that I best summed it up when I said “Eeeeeeep!”.
We’ll see how it goes.
But I’m totally not ready yet.
Or am I?