I had some interesting feelings come up yesterday.
It was Super Bowl Sunday. I thought about what I did last Super Bowl Sunday.
This was what I did last Super Bowl Sunday in a nutshell: I had a few friends over in the evening. Jon and Lora alternately fought loudly enough for us to hear, or joined us and acted like everything was fine until they went back into a bedroom to argue. They were fighting because Jon spent twenty minutes talking to me about a home repair project before joining Lora in the shower that morning. Things came to a head for me, as I finally hit a point of being so utterly sick of their fighting and her abusive behavior that I talking to her about it and how it had to change, or we couldn’t live together anymore.
If you’ve been reading for a while, you know all this already.
If you don’t, you can go back and read about it, if you want. It’s not pretty. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. I get tired remembering it myself, which is what this post is about.
Here I was, thinking about Lora. Again. I felt frustrated and upset at myself. Is she like a scab that I can’t help but pick at? You know the kind, it’s really itchy or in a bendy part of your body, so you feel it tugging at your skin, being hard, being strange, being in the way, and every time you stop paying close attention to yourself, you start picking at it again absent-mindedly. Pick, pick, pick. What am I doing? you ask yourself. Am I trying to draw blood? That’s going to leave an ugly scar if I don’t stop…
Why don’t I stop?
Well, why am I thinking about her in the first place? Because it’s Super Bowl Sunday, which is one of those days when I typically remember what I did (even if it had nothing to do with the Super Bowl). And I like remembering what I did last year for all kinds of events; Christmas, Memorial Day, 4th of July…most holidays, I muse back over what I did the prior year. I enjoy taking a few moments to consciously appreciate how my life has changed. Generally, it’s changed for the better. Not that the past was inferior, more like I feel more myself, more comfortable, more like I’m doing the things that I enjoy the most, and spending time with the people I love the most.
This year, things have definitely changed for the better, especially where Lora is concerned.
But, I also need to be aware that if I’m going to do my typical yearly reflection, then every holiday that Lora was here for last year is going to have a little ping of Lora-memory associated with it. And in the end, continuing to do something that I’m doing for years is more important to me than banishing all memories of Lora from my head.
Also, I don’t actually think I could stop myself from thinking about things in a way that I’ve done for years. How would someone even do that? The second I thought about it, I’d try to make myself not think about it, which would mean that I was thinking about not thinking about it which is pretty much the same as thinking about it and…see what I mean? Impossible.
So I had my moment. I thought about how shitty last year was. I thought about how nice this year was. Jon and I decided to go to a local bar to watch the game. We ran into Rob and a few of his friends there, and spent a lovely evening drinking and yelling and groaning over the halftime show.
It felt really good.
It’s a nice, new memory that will come to me next Super Bowl, when I think back to what I did this Super Bowl.
And it is way better than last year!