it still hurts

Jon ran into Rob at the corner store. They got to talking while they were in line. Seems that home-buying for Rachel, Rob, and Jessica is “nearly definitely” happening later this year. They have a home in their sights and it looks like they’re going to get it.

Rob and Rachel are also planning on getting pregnant by the end of this year.

It still amazes me how much it hurts to hear about their lives going on, even though I was the one who chose to walk away. I feel really sad. Not heart-breakingly sad and definitely not regretful, but sad and wistful. A big part of me wishes I could be a part of their lives, share their joys, be one of the family. I really miss the connection that I had with Rachel as a partner, and with Rob as a metamour. In so many ways, they are really lovely, amazing people.

But every time I think about reaching out and talking to Rachel, I remember that being close to Rachel would mean dealing with Jessica, and my heart shrivels. The more time has passed, the happier I’ve realized I am without Jessica in my life at all, manipulating, making unreasonable demands, being controlling. I have really hit my absolute limit with that kind of behavior, between Lora and Jessica.

I also think some of my sadness is perhaps a mask for some insecurity and envy. Without additional like-minded partners, Jon and I won’t be buying a home anytime soon. That hurts a bit, as it’s been a dream of mine for a really long time. I long for a place where I can do more than just cosmetic changes. I’ve loved reading home magazines for years, especially ones that profile having nooks or secret rooms or really gorgeous decorations created by the owners.  Those ideas are probably on the self for at least another five (if not ten) years.

I’ve also started to feel a bit insecure as more and more people I know are having children. I still feel strongly that I don’t want children of my own. But I do love the idea of being an auntie to a partner and/or metamour’s children. I don’t actually entirely want a life without children, and I strongly buy into the idea that a stable poly home that has more adults than the usual home can give the children more adults to spend time nurturing them and loving them. Right now, I feel like I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me at all. Given how child-centric life can be, a part of me feels insecure and like I’m not…I don’t know…doing enough, or something.

I think I’m afraid that friends who decide to have children will judge me and find me lacking, because I don’t want children of my own.

Is that stupid? Why does it hurt so much? Am I afraid that my life really is lacking, because I don’t want children of my own?

I don’t know. I think I need to think about it more.

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lizeden

polyamorist, cat-lover, hopeless optimist when I'm not being a firm realist.

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