Knowing that my teacher has made a pass at other students eliminated a lot of my confusion and my desire to give him the benefit of the doubt that this was a one-time fail on his part. But even before I learned that, there was something I kept going over in my mind, that bothered me. It took a while for me to figure out exactly what seemed off or like the whole thing was premeditated.
The way the kissing started was that he asked for a hug, because he felt close to me after the chronic pain discussion we had. I’m a fan of hugs. I like hugging people who I like and respect. The request for a hug from someone who I’ve known for years, but had a relationship with minimal physical contact, didn’t seem off. It wasn’t our first hug, as we’ve hugged upon parting sometimes (though not always).
To use a hug as a springboard to fasten your face to someone else is fucked up, sneaky, and shitty. Especially since this was specifically mentioned as a “I feel a closeness to you that is not sexual” kind of hug. Not a “I am attracted to you and would like to touch you” kind of hug.
I’m inclined to believe at this point that this is his MO, and something he’s done frequently. Fucker.
If nothing else, it’s really nice to not have any kind of mental division about this anymore. Yes, I could have done a better job of getting away from him. That’s something I’m going to take up with my therapist, how to handle freezing when someone long-known and trusted violates your boundaries. I’d definitely like to improve my response there, and make it stronger.
I’m no longer going to worry about whether or not it was an unfortunate accident or fluke or whether or not he feels bad or conflicted or guilty. He should feel bad and guilty and be aware that what he did was wrong. He probably doesn’t. I’m not going to waste any sleep or time feeling badly for him or worried about his feelings.
I think the shittiest thing about this is that I now know that I have a close to ten year relationship with a person who is, at least, absolutely shitty at respecting boundaries, and at worst, a straight-up predator. I wonder how many women he’s felt up with this little act of his? Until he started kissing me and groping me, I had no idea the kind of person he is.
Right now, the main debate I have is whether or not I should send an email to the rest of the class and let them know. It’s probably something I should also ask a lawyer; how I’d phrase such an email so that I wasn’t accusing him of a crime (which is, I believe, slander or something like it?), but letting my female classmates know what kind of a creep he can be. If nothing else, they’d know not to accept any hugs from him, because of where those hugs might lead.