While I’ve been writing about the past, a few things have happened in the present with Teacher.
Another female student commented that he’d also behaved inappropriately with her once, when they were the last people out drinking. She was extremely startled when he groped her and actually slapped him across the face. He got indignant and said that he’d lost his balance and just “put a friendly hand on her for balance”. She told him that she’d rather he fall than touch her again like that and left.
They never spoke of it again. She never stayed to be the last person with him again. And she spent around the last year feeling somewhat upset at herself and worrying that she overreacted and that it was all just a huge misunderstanding and maybe she should have apologized.
She’s not worried about that anymore.
Meanwhile, Robert and I were spending some time together this weekend, and he told me that the thing that seemed most off (and pissed him off the most) was that Teacher seemed mostly concerned with losing the three of us (Robert, me, and Andrea) from class, and how if anybody else left, class would be too small to really continue. Now, the reason that this infuriated Robert is because he was trying to imagine a reality in which an innocent person wouldn’t want to address what had happened and try to figure out what went wrong and either make amends or fight back (depending on if they came to understand they did something wrong or were furious that someone had decided to make a false claim and wanted to get even). It totally blows Robert away that Teacher only responded to me with one (disgusting) text, and after Robert made it clear that he didn’t want to hear Teacher’s side, was only focused on if Robert was returning, and if not, what it would do to the class.
To me, this sounds like another classic example of gaslighting. If you don’t even acknowledge what has happened, then it’s like nothing has happened and then there’s nothing to deal with, right?
In the meantime, my therapist and I are having some interesting talks. She asked me a few weeks ago if I felt comfortable talking about the other sexual assault I’d referred to, when I said “it wasn’t the first”. So I told her about what happened with David, and also what had happened with losing my virginity with Elias. She was fairly stunned and has several times complimented me on how well I’ve handled things. Shrug. I don’t want that shit to rule my life. I worked really hard to make sure that it didn’t.
We’re also exploring (mainly at her request) if what happened with David made what happened with this teacher more upsetting. I’m honestly not sure it did. The situations were so wildly different to me, I don’t feel any particular bias toward teachers. Well, OK, I feel like, if I take further adult learning classes, yes, I will probably be leery of male teachers. I might make sure that I’m never the last person staying out with a teacher, if we go out for drinks. If I became friendly enough with a male teacher, I might explain what happened before and inform them that I have no interest in a relationship. I’d want to tell them what happened before so that they understand that I generally don’t go around telling people I have no interest in a relationship with them, but since the way things unfolded with Teacher took me by surprise and was totally anticipated, I don’t want to deal with anymore surprises, thus, the reveal.
As was true with David, I’m having a much harder time with people that are the same physical type, much moreso than anything else. David’s physical type was not particularly common (he was a really big guy, 6’4″, broad, and had a really unusual strawberry blonde hair color), but when I saw big guys with red-blonde hair, I felt extremely antagonistic towards them. Teacher has a much more common body type/appearance, and even now, when I see someone with his body type/features, a wave of fury and revulsion sweeps over me. I hope that changes over time, and eventually, that’s something I’ll work on, if it doesn’t. But right now, I don’t want to work on it.
Generally, the last few weeks have been quiet. I’m working on me. Jon is wonderfully supportive. We actually had sex last weekend. I really wanted to, and it was some of the best sex we’ve had in quite a while. That felt like a big step towards healing.
For now, my plan is to keep working on me, and keep healing. I think I want to pick up More Than Two again, now that I’ve gotten this out, and keep reading and blogging about it sometime in the near future. It’s probably obvious, but for clarity, I’ll say that I’m definitely not planning on dating for awhile, not until I feel way more over this. I don’t really want people touching me right now. I had to take a break with physical therapy for awhile (I can’t remember if I mentioned that), because it was all just too much to deal with. I’m going to restart that next week.
So things will continue on, and I’ll continue to get better at my own pace. I’m going to do my best to not try to rush that. And someday, in weeks or months, hopefully I’ll have more positive and awesome polyamory-related things to write about! 🙂