Some things have happened. Nothing major. I’m still mostly apathetic and not really into being alive right now. Not that I want to be dead; I definitely don’t. The world is just mostly in sepia tones and I’m trying to really concentrate on the bright spots, in part because I’ve realized that I’ve still got some Lora issues to work through. When I’m not dealing with those, I’m trying to draw some color and brightness back into my life.
So I think I’m going to take a break from blogging. I haven’t blogged about poly things, for the most part, in a long, long time. This blog definitely helped me through some of the hardest emotional shit that I’ve ever dealt with in my life. Writing here and journaling are really the two things that got me through on some days.
But writing is also difficult; sometimes painful, and sometimes tedious. Even when the words seems to spring of their own accord from my fingers, it still takes hours to write most blog posts. Even lately, when I’ve done far less editing than I used to, it takes a long time, and is definitely a labor of love. Yes there is love in it, but it does take a lot of labor.
And right now, I’m doing my utmost to minimize my labor. My mind hurts. Some recent realizations about shit that I haven’t yet dealt with, in regards to Lora, that hurts. It feels exhausting. It also feels like I’m close to the end there; that I’m nearly through all the pain and misery and feeling like there is any connection still between Lora and I.
I think this is the final stretch. But to get through it, I feel like I need a month (maybe more) to either be fully invested in getting through the last bitter dregs of that or fully investing in gathering joy into my life. My cup is nearly empty. Working through these Lora issues without investing the rest of my time in trying to get a trickle of joy into that cup will surely empty it and possibly crack it.
I’m also still dealing with feelings from the sexual assault. And my chronic health issues. It’s all so much. Too much.
So I’m going to try a few radical things, shake up my life a bit, and then see what happens. I think I see this blog happening again in my future. It has been too important to me, for too long a time, to give it up entirely. But vacations from things, even beloved things, are often good, so vacationing I will go.
See you all on the other side.