I will say…

…for all that my body feels like an aching, broken thing, my mind feels amazingly clear. Clearer than it has been in months. I know I had a degree of mental fog, but I assumed that was a physical symptom of my health issues, pain levels, and exhaustion. I never imagined that much of it (if not all of it) could be from the anti-inflammatories. Wow.

That’s one of the hardest things for me about chronic illness. It’s hard to know what is caused by the problem, what is caused by the medications, or what is caused by both of those things to some degree. And though I feel mentally clearer right now than I have in a long time, it’ll be interesting to see if I stay this clear, or if I’m really as clear as I think I am.

So, even with the throbbing misery of my body, at least I’m getting one benefit right now. Fingers crossed that there will be more in a few days!

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*mooooooooaaaaaaaan*

I am really feeling pathetic.

Not in a self-hating way. In a “everything hurts and ugh go away world” kind of way.

I did what my doctor suggested and discontinued my anti-inflammatory medication. Doc said it would be a rough few days. She did not exaggerate this. Everything hurts. My toe hairs hurt (yes, my toes have hair). Judging by the way I feel, I should look like this guy:

staypuft Continue reading *mooooooooaaaaaaaan*

small positive gains

I know I mentioned that I disclosed to my doctor and my physical therapist about my sexual assault. What I think I forgot to mention is that part of what I talked to them about was taking some time off from PT. While I can’t actually…get a temporary postponement in disability (and become magically healthy for a few months) to focus on my emotional problems,  I realized that I did need some time away from this constant focus on my physical health. My doc and my PT agreed that taking some time off to try to just scrape by with the minimum in stretching exercises would be a reasonable thing to try.

So I took about a month off, to work on my emotions. Continue reading small positive gains

new healing techniques to look into

I was hanging out on a forum that I sometimes visit, the Out of the FOG forum. It’s a site dedicated to helping people deal with personality disordered people in their lives. As I’ve mentioned before, my mom was diagnosed by two of my therapists independently as probably having Borderline Personal Disorder. After living with Lora, I’m inclined to believe that she may also have BPD, and if not, that she’s somewhere on the personality disorder spectrum

There was a post recently that mentioned TRE – trauma release exercises, which partially work due to provoking your body to have a muscle-use trembling response, and then harnessing that trembling to help release stress and calm down the nervous system. The process works by first working with a person trained in TRE, who will assess you and your conditions and help to develop a system which compliments your personal stresses and life circumstances. There are also home exercises that will be assigned, and as you become more comfortable and progress in using TRE, you can move up to more difficult or targeted types of sessions. Continue reading new healing techniques to look into

a few more developments

While I’ve been writing about the past, a few things have happened in the present with Teacher.

Another female student commented that he’d also behaved inappropriately with her once, when they were the last people out drinking. She was extremely startled when he groped her and actually slapped him across the face. He got indignant and said that he’d lost his balance and just “put a friendly hand on her for balance”. She told him that she’d rather he fall than touch her again like that and left.

They never spoke of it again. She never stayed to be the last person with him again. And she spent around the last year feeling somewhat upset at herself and worrying that she overreacted and that it was all just a huge misunderstanding and maybe she should have apologized.

She’s not worried about that anymore. Continue reading a few more developments

More Than Two commentary – Chapter Four: Tending Your Self (part 6 – my dark night of the soul)

So here we finally are.

There was a point to laying all that groundwork. I think that to get the full effect of what happened, it’s really necessary to have an idea of what came before. Though on second thought, even not knowing everything, it’s probably clear that what happened next was pretty terrible.

Well, that being the case, I’m still not going to wish away the thousands and thousands of words I’ve written leading up to my dark night of the soul. It was good to get it out.

Given what’s happened recently, it’s good to remember everything I went through. I made it from there to here, and I had far less in resources than I do now. I’ll make it through again.

So, this is what happened… Continue reading More Than Two commentary – Chapter Four: Tending Your Self (part 6 – my dark night of the soul)

More Than Two commentary – Chapter Four: Tending Your Self (part 5b – prologue to my dark night of the soul)

Picking up where I left off in the last post, Beth invited me to a campus presentation on date rape.

Beth had had some rape crisis counseling training. I now know that Beth had been worried for years that I was a rape survivor, and that that explained some of my behavior. She thought I was in a good place mentally (a better place than I actually was), and thought that I’d benefit from going, possibly getting support.

So I went. We went together. It was a Thursday night. I remember this because my class schedule for that semester only had classes Tuesday through Thursday (this is relevant to how things transpired). Continue reading More Than Two commentary – Chapter Four: Tending Your Self (part 5b – prologue to my dark night of the soul)