Wednesday, Jon emailed me to tell me that Lora’s work had given her off Sunday too. So maybe we could all go watch the fireworks together Saturday night, since none of us had to be up early Sunday.
That totally makes sense.
Because yes, when my partner says to me “I cannot live with your other partner anymore, because I can’t handle her emotional abusing you. Also, I cannot have any kind of emotional relationship with her, because of how badly she abuses you” the answer is to suggest that we all go see the fireworks together.
I spent most of Wednesday working and wondering which of us was the delusional person. Because the disconnect between my feelings and Jon’s feelings seemed immense. Insane. Unbridgeable.
I spent the night at my friend Jo’s. Jo, Issi and I talked about things. I told them my plan. The end of my plan, which I hadn’t written about yet, was to read that letter to Jon, and ask him to look me in the eye, and tell me that staying with Lora is worth all the emotional harm that has come to him and come to me. I just needed to hear him say it, that he is aware of how badly he’s hurting himself, and how badly I’ve been hurt, and he still wants to pursue this anyway. He still thinks it’s worth it.
If he still felt he wanted to pursue it, then I was going to leave. Not break up with him, but leave the apartment. Tell him that I couldn’t stay there right now, not until Lora was gone. Tell him that I needed a break from him, because every time I looked at him, all I could this was “Why, why, why are you doing this? Why? How could anything be worth this pain? Why?” Until I got into a place in myself where that wasn’t the only thing I thought of when I looked at him, I felt like I couldn’t be with him. I also felt like I was tearing my own heart out of my chest, but it felt like the only solution that let me intact. Left my morals intact. Left my soul intact.
Jo and Issi both thought it was the best possible plan I could have. The best of a lot of shitty plans. They agreed – it would keep me together. It was the most moral, kindest, most respectful way out for me. It was the only way to keep me sane.
So we went to bed. And I had the best night sleep that I’ve had in months. Sleeping in a place where I knew I wouldn’t be woken by a screaming fight. By Lora telling Jon what a horrid person he was. By her sobbing and screaming and making demands of him. I didn’t even know that I could sleep that well anymore. But I did, and I woke up amazingly refreshed and ready for Wednesday.