taking a break

Some things have happened. Nothing major. I’m still mostly apathetic and not really into being alive right now. Not that I want to be dead; I definitely don’t. The world is just mostly in sepia tones and I’m trying to really concentrate on the bright spots, in part because I’ve realized that I’ve still got some Lora issues to work through. When I’m not dealing with those, I’m trying to draw some color and brightness back into my life.

So I think I’m going to take a break from blogging. I haven’t blogged about poly things, for the most part, in a long, long time. This blog definitely helped me through some of the hardest emotional shit that I’ve ever dealt with in my life. Writing here and journaling are really the two things that got me through on some days. Continue reading taking a break

moving towards closure

Jon and I also had a really good (slightly aided by drinking a bit of alcohol) talk last night. Jon mentioned that Lora had a good interview as an executive assistant, and it looked like she’d be starting her new job on Monday – which is great news for her. I said “that’s great, I’m glad to hear that things are looking up for her” and he said something along the lines of “Is it weird when I talk about her?” Continue reading moving towards closure

I just realized…

…that I have no concrete memory of the last time I saw Lora.

Jon broke up with her on Thursday. She was gone by the time I got home.

Wednesday, we had our night out with our friends. She was in bed by the time we got home.

Tuesday, I spent the night at my friend Jo’s and didn’t go home, so no chance of seeing her then.

Monday, I deliberately stayed at work until 11pm, because I didn’t want to see her when I got home from work (and I didn’t).

So I think that the last time we were awake and in the same room might have been Sunday evening, when she came into the kitchen while I was rummaging around in the fridge. I more or less refused to pull my head out of the fridge until she left. I think at one point, while my friend and I were watching TV in the living room, she came in and asked something, which I answered without looking at her.

It’s nice to not have a specific, concrete last memory of her. I’m not sure why, but it feels peaceful. It gives me further space away from her.

Tuesday

Wednesday, Jon emailed me to tell me that Lora’s work had given her off Sunday too. So maybe we could all go watch the fireworks together Saturday night, since none of us had to be up early Sunday.

That totally makes sense.

Because yes, when my partner says to me “I cannot live with your other partner anymore, because I can’t handle her emotional abusing you. Also, I cannot have any kind of emotional relationship with her, because of how badly she abuses you” the answer is to suggest that we all go see the fireworks together.

I spent most of Wednesday working and wondering which of us was the delusional person. Because the disconnect between my feelings and Jon’s feelings seemed immense. Insane. Unbridgeable.

I spent the night at my friend Jo’s. Jo, Issi and I talked about things. I told them my plan. The end of my plan, which I hadn’t written about yet, was to read that letter to Jon, and ask him to look me in the eye, and tell me that staying with Lora is worth all the emotional harm that has come to him and come to me. I just needed to hear him say it, that he is aware of how badly he’s hurting himself, and how badly I’ve been hurt, and he still wants to pursue this anyway. He still thinks it’s worth it.

If he still felt he wanted to pursue it, then I was going to leave. Not break up with him, but leave the apartment. Tell him that I couldn’t stay there right now, not until Lora was gone. Tell him that I needed a break from him, because every time I looked at him, all I could this was “Why, why, why are you doing this? Why? How could anything be worth this pain? Why?” Until I got into a place in myself where that wasn’t the only thing I thought of when I looked at him, I felt like I couldn’t be with him. I also felt like I was tearing my own heart out of my chest, but it felt like the only solution that let me intact. Left my morals intact. Left my soul intact.

Jo and Issi both thought it was the best possible plan I could have. The best of a lot of shitty plans. They agreed – it would keep me together. It was the most moral, kindest, most respectful way out for me. It was the only way to keep me sane.

So we went to bed. And I had the best night sleep that I’ve had in months. Sleeping in a place where I knew I wouldn’t be woken by a screaming fight. By Lora telling Jon what a horrid person he was. By her sobbing and screaming and making demands of him. I didn’t even know that I could sleep that well anymore. But I did, and I woke up amazingly refreshed and ready for Wednesday.

the letter

I need to tell you something that is going on inside me. It’s what my gut tells me, and it is causing an enormously painful moral and ethical dissonance inside me.

I am afraid that part of why us not living together anymore is so upsetting to you is because you know, deep down, that Lora isn’t going to get better, and if I wasn’t there to provide some kind of buffer and immediate support, you wouldn’t be able to handle staying in a relationship with her.

When you talk about how you’ve become introverted, isolated, and afraid, my gut tells me it’s because you’ve been being abused for a very long time, and you’re gradually retreating into yourself as a coping mechanism, as a result. Continue reading the letter

Monday (part 2)

My letter to Lora deeply upset Jon.

His immediate response was that Lora was going to be really shocked and unhappy, because he’d told her that I wanted to see if we could work out a way to all live together somehow.

I did say that. So did Jon. As in, when we were talking Saturday and scrabbling for something, anything that wasn’t “we must move to separate homes immediately”, we said all kinds of rash and partly-in-denial things.

So I said to him, ok. Yes. I did say that. But unfortunately, because he had to work Sunday, we couldn’t really do much talking. However I (and everybody else, I imagine) kept thinking all day Sunday, and that is what my thoughts concluded – that Lora and I can’t possibly keep living together right now.

I said to him, I can break this up a bit, into smaller pieces. If it’s helpful to start. Because here’s the thing: no matter what happens with our living situation, I cannot, for the foreseeable future, have any kind of emotional relationship with Lora. That is a full stop, no compromises, hard limit. It’s actually beyond a hard limit – it’s emotionally impossible right now. What that means, especially for the next week, as we’re not going to stop all living together right this second, is that I’ll generally keep to myself at home. I can have a civil conversation about if we need toilet paper or have I seen the scissors. But I cannot have conversations about my day and my life. I do not want to her anything about her day or her life. Ideally, I don’t want to see her, or really be aware of her existence, other than remotely.

Which is why…you know…not living together seemed like the only possibly long-term solution right now. Continue reading Monday (part 2)

Sunday

Jon worked all day so our communication was all through text.

Before Jon went to work, Lora woke him up a few hours early, to pick up their fight where they had left off.

I texted Jon about date night this week. It’s our date night week. I suggested going out Friday. Since Saturday is the 4th, and we were invited to a BBQ by a friend of his, I thought we could all do that on Saturday, and Jon and I could go out Friday. I have off Friday, so I will be able to sleep in, and have enough energy to go out in the evening.

Lora had off Saturday for the 4th. Before the fight Thursday night, she’d said she wanted to go dancing (the three of us) Friday night. She doesn’t typically have Saturdays off, and wanted to take advantage of it, by going out and dancing on a weekend night (she has a slight obsession with the “unfairness” of not having weekend nights off, which I don’t really understand). Continue reading Sunday