taking a break

Some things have happened. Nothing major. I’m still mostly apathetic and not really into being alive right now. Not that I want to be dead; I definitely don’t. The world is just mostly in sepia tones and I’m trying to really concentrate on the bright spots, in part because I’ve realized that I’ve still got some Lora issues to work through. When I’m not dealing with those, I’m trying to draw some color and brightness back into my life.

So I think I’m going to take a break from blogging. I haven’t blogged about poly things, for the most part, in a long, long time. This blog definitely helped me through some of the hardest emotional shit that I’ve ever dealt with in my life. Writing here and journaling are really the two things that got me through on some days. Continue reading taking a break

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apathy

It’s taken nearly two weeks to make this post, which is a great way to set the mood for it. I just didn’t have the mood or the will. I had apathy.

I have apathy.

That is the word that my therapist and I hit on to describe the way I feel these days. I’m filled with apathy. Going through the motions. Not excited by anything. Just…here, counting down the days until I die.

My therapist wanted to focus on why I might feel apathetic. What was it about being sexually assaulted that specifically generated these feelings of apathy. Was it that I froze? Was it that I’m now afraid that I’ll freeze again in the future? That I won’t take care of myself when I most need me to take action to take care of myself? Continue reading apathy

40ish?

I think that’s where I feel, on a scale of 0 to 100. Maybe 45.

I should clarify and say that means overall. If my average “I feel OK” is 50, then I feel somewhere around 40-45 in terms of how I feel overall. Definitely still worse than average. But not completely tanked. Continue reading 40ish?

as clear as I think I am

Yesterday I mentioned wondering if I was really as clear as I think I am, mentally, now that I’m aware that I had this mental fog that has lifted. Then I went back to bed, because I felt like a pile o’ crap.

I spent most of the rest of the day in bed. I was able to work from home, which only required checking my emails every few hours, since work is slow this week. So I mostly laid in bed and had body aches and tried to distract myself with TED talks and other videos, because despite the body pain, my mind continued to feel clear and alert in ways that it hasn’t in a long time.

I kept marveling and wondering about that clarity and what I wrote yesterday. Mainly, I mused over how how much mental fog has really lifted. Where I am really? What if I only feel really mentally clear because I’ve been increasingly badly fogged over the past few months? Continue reading as clear as I think I am

I will say…

…for all that my body feels like an aching, broken thing, my mind feels amazingly clear. Clearer than it has been in months. I know I had a degree of mental fog, but I assumed that was a physical symptom of my health issues, pain levels, and exhaustion. I never imagined that much of it (if not all of it) could be from the anti-inflammatories. Wow.

That’s one of the hardest things for me about chronic illness. It’s hard to know what is caused by the problem, what is caused by the medications, or what is caused by both of those things to some degree. And though I feel mentally clearer right now than I have in a long time, it’ll be interesting to see if I stay this clear, or if I’m really as clear as I think I am.

So, even with the throbbing misery of my body, at least I’m getting one benefit right now. Fingers crossed that there will be more in a few days!

*mooooooooaaaaaaaan*

I am really feeling pathetic.

Not in a self-hating way. In a “everything hurts and ugh go away world” kind of way.

I did what my doctor suggested and discontinued my anti-inflammatory medication. Doc said it would be a rough few days. She did not exaggerate this. Everything hurts. My toe hairs hurt (yes, my toes have hair). Judging by the way I feel, I should look like this guy:

staypuft Continue reading *mooooooooaaaaaaaan*

small positive gains

I know I mentioned that I disclosed to my doctor and my physical therapist about my sexual assault. What I think I forgot to mention is that part of what I talked to them about was taking some time off from PT. While I can’t actually…get a temporary postponement in disability (and become magically healthy for a few months) to focus on my emotional problems,  I realized that I did need some time away from this constant focus on my physical health. My doc and my PT agreed that taking some time off to try to just scrape by with the minimum in stretching exercises would be a reasonable thing to try.

So I took about a month off, to work on my emotions. Continue reading small positive gains