apathy

It’s taken nearly two weeks to make this post, which is a great way to set the mood for it. I just didn’t have the mood or the will. I had apathy.

I have apathy.

That is the word that my therapist and I hit on to describe the way I feel these days. I’m filled with apathy. Going through the motions. Not excited by anything. Just…here, counting down the days until I die.

My therapist wanted to focus on why I might feel apathetic. What was it about being sexually assaulted that specifically generated these feelings of apathy. Was it that I froze? Was it that I’m now afraid that I’ll freeze again in the future? That I won’t take care of myself when I most need me to take action to take care of myself? Continue reading apathy

small positive gains

I know I mentioned that I disclosed to my doctor and my physical therapist about my sexual assault. What I think I forgot to mention is that part of what I talked to them about was taking some time off from PT. While I can’t actually…get a temporary postponement in disability (and become magically healthy for a few months) to focus on my emotional problems,  I realized that I did need some time away from this constant focus on my physical health. My doc and my PT agreed that taking some time off to try to just scrape by with the minimum in stretching exercises would be a reasonable thing to try.

So I took about a month off, to work on my emotions. Continue reading small positive gains

health developments and personal autonomy

Yesterday I wrote an email to my physical therapist letting her know about the assault.

I did so because I’ve barely been able to keep abreast in my progress on taking care of myself. I haven’t been able to improve. If I can keep treading water right now, that’s really the most I feel like I can hope for. Continue reading health developments and personal autonomy

More Than Two commentary – Chapter Four: Tending Your Self (part 3a – prologue to the prologue to my dark night of the soul)

That’s a pretty awkward title, eh?

There’s going to be a lot of awkward here, so maybe that’s a good introduction.

So, a prologue to a prologue, what’s that about?

I mentioned a few times that I was sexually assaulted or raped by a high school teacher of mine. Those words are completely inadequate to describe what happened there. And that experience doesn’t entirely make sense unless learned in context to what came before. Continue reading More Than Two commentary – Chapter Four: Tending Your Self (part 3a – prologue to the prologue to my dark night of the soul)

doing worse than I expected

I’m having a really hard time dealing with what happened. I noticed on the bus ride home today that I’m having a really negative reaction to all romantic relationships. I’m not sure what to do.

A woman sat next to me on the bus today. She was with her boyfriend. He stood over her, and they held hands and were talking about how things were progressing. They’d recently met a few close friends/family of each other and were talking about how that went, as well as talking about who would be around next to meet, tips on subjects that the new family member/friend like talking about, things like that.

Normally, this is the kind of conversation that sounds incredibly sweet and exciting and nostalgic to me. Much as I adore having years now together with Jon and all the shared history we’ve built up, I still love remembering those exciting first days when we were getting to know each others friends and family. Being reminded of that is usually lovely.

Today is was nauseating. Continue reading doing worse than I expected

so pissed

Part of what makes me extremely angry about Teacher’s text to me and ups my hostility rate to an all-time high is his fucking ridiculous, disgusting language. Or, more specifically, his fucking ridiculous, disgusting use of language.

I mean, if you discovered that an interaction that you thought was consensual wasn’t consensual to the other person, would you text them and refer to said interaction as “tender exchanges”? Seriously, that makes me want to throw up. Who fucking does that?! I mean, I guess it’s now obvious that it was a “tender exchange” on his end, but who really says that to someone?

Also, the part where he informs me of my consent level instead of actually asking me how I felt (not that I didn’t make that screamingly obvious in my letter to the class) or why I felt the way I do…what the hell? Continue reading so pissed

reactions

There were several reactions that came from my letter.

The first was that another female student (Inez) contacted Andrea (who had resigned over email the day before I sent my letter), to ask what was going on with Andrea and me. Inez and Andrea had been pretty friendly in class, so Inez was really surprised at Andrea abruptly dropping out without saying something first.

Andrea explained the two instances of what happened with her, and what happened with me. Inez (who is married; Andrea is divorced, and as we all know, I’m poly) responded basically by saying “Yeah, I knew he was a dirtball, but I didn’t know how much of one he was. Once when I walk talking about my husband I having an argument, Teacher let me know that he and his wife ‘barely had a marriage anymore’ and that he was ‘available’. I cut him off before he went any further, told him that was TMI, and I never wanted to hear about the subject of his marriage again. And I never brought mine up again when he was around.” Continue reading reactions