now, with migraines!

Just a quick update. I’ve developed migraines. Go me.

Currently working on getting that sorted out. I need to go to my GP and get a referral to a migraine specialist, and then…see what happens from there?

Ugh. How many more things am I going to come down with? Why migraines? And why now? My mom has had them since she was little, and I thought I was old enough to be past getting them myself. It is an incredible bummer to know that’s not true.

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40ish?

I think that’s where I feel, on a scale of 0 to 100. Maybe 45.

I should clarify and say that means overall. If my average “I feel OK” is 50, then I feel somewhere around 40-45 in terms of how I feel overall. Definitely still worse than average. But not completely tanked. Continue reading 40ish?

as clear as I think I am

Yesterday I mentioned wondering if I was really as clear as I think I am, mentally, now that I’m aware that I had this mental fog that has lifted. Then I went back to bed, because I felt like a pile o’ crap.

I spent most of the rest of the day in bed. I was able to work from home, which only required checking my emails every few hours, since work is slow this week. So I mostly laid in bed and had body aches and tried to distract myself with TED talks and other videos, because despite the body pain, my mind continued to feel clear and alert in ways that it hasn’t in a long time.

I kept marveling and wondering about that clarity and what I wrote yesterday. Mainly, I mused over how how much mental fog has really lifted. Where I am really? What if I only feel really mentally clear because I’ve been increasingly badly fogged over the past few months? Continue reading as clear as I think I am

I will say…

…for all that my body feels like an aching, broken thing, my mind feels amazingly clear. Clearer than it has been in months. I know I had a degree of mental fog, but I assumed that was a physical symptom of my health issues, pain levels, and exhaustion. I never imagined that much of it (if not all of it) could be from the anti-inflammatories. Wow.

That’s one of the hardest things for me about chronic illness. It’s hard to know what is caused by the problem, what is caused by the medications, or what is caused by both of those things to some degree. And though I feel mentally clearer right now than I have in a long time, it’ll be interesting to see if I stay this clear, or if I’m really as clear as I think I am.

So, even with the throbbing misery of my body, at least I’m getting one benefit right now. Fingers crossed that there will be more in a few days!

*mooooooooaaaaaaaan*

I am really feeling pathetic.

Not in a self-hating way. In a “everything hurts and ugh go away world” kind of way.

I did what my doctor suggested and discontinued my anti-inflammatory medication. Doc said it would be a rough few days. She did not exaggerate this. Everything hurts. My toe hairs hurt (yes, my toes have hair). Judging by the way I feel, I should look like this guy:

staypuft Continue reading *mooooooooaaaaaaaan*

small positive gains

I know I mentioned that I disclosed to my doctor and my physical therapist about my sexual assault. What I think I forgot to mention is that part of what I talked to them about was taking some time off from PT. While I can’t actually…get a temporary postponement in disability (and become magically healthy for a few months) to focus on my emotional problems,  I realized that I did need some time away from this constant focus on my physical health. My doc and my PT agreed that taking some time off to try to just scrape by with the minimum in stretching exercises would be a reasonable thing to try.

So I took about a month off, to work on my emotions. Continue reading small positive gains

health developments and personal autonomy

Yesterday I wrote an email to my physical therapist letting her know about the assault.

I did so because I’ve barely been able to keep abreast in my progress on taking care of myself. I haven’t been able to improve. If I can keep treading water right now, that’s really the most I feel like I can hope for. Continue reading health developments and personal autonomy