It’s taken nearly two weeks to make this post, which is a great way to set the mood for it. I just didn’t have the mood or the will. I had apathy.

I have apathy.

That is the word that my therapist and I hit on to describe the way I feel these days. I’m filled with apathy. Going through the motions. Not excited by anything. Just…here, counting down the days until I die.

My therapist wanted to focus on why I might feel apathetic. What was it about being sexually assaulted that specifically generated these feelings of apathy. Was it that I froze? Was it that I’m now afraid that I’ll freeze again in the future? That I won’t take care of myself when I most need me to take action to take care of myself? Continue reading apathy



I think that’s where I feel, on a scale of 0 to 100. Maybe 45.

I should clarify and say that means overall. If my average “I feel OK” is 50, then I feel somewhere around 40-45 in terms of how I feel overall. Definitely still worse than average. But not completely tanked. Continue reading 40ish?


I am really feeling pathetic.

Not in a self-hating way. In a “everything hurts and ugh go away world” kind of way.

I did what my doctor suggested and discontinued my anti-inflammatory medication. Doc said it would be a rough few days. She did not exaggerate this. Everything hurts. My toe hairs hurt (yes, my toes have hair). Judging by the way I feel, I should look like this guy:

staypuft Continue reading *mooooooooaaaaaaaan*

small positive gains

I know I mentioned that I disclosed to my doctor and my physical therapist about my sexual assault. What I think I forgot to mention is that part of what I talked to them about was taking some time off from PT. While I can’t actually…get a temporary postponement in disability (and become magically healthy for a few months) to focus on my emotional problems,  I realized that I did need some time away from this constant focus on my physical health. My doc and my PT agreed that taking some time off to try to just scrape by with the minimum in stretching exercises would be a reasonable thing to try.

So I took about a month off, to work on my emotions. Continue reading small positive gains

new healing techniques to look into

I was hanging out on a forum that I sometimes visit, the Out of the FOG forum. It’s a site dedicated to helping people deal with personality disordered people in their lives. As I’ve mentioned before, my mom was diagnosed by two of my therapists independently as probably having Borderline Personal Disorder. After living with Lora, I’m inclined to believe that she may also have BPD, and if not, that she’s somewhere on the personality disorder spectrum

There was a post recently that mentioned TRE – trauma release exercises, which partially work due to provoking your body to have a muscle-use trembling response, and then harnessing that trembling to help release stress and calm down the nervous system. The process works by first working with a person trained in TRE, who will assess you and your conditions and help to develop a system which compliments your personal stresses and life circumstances. There are also home exercises that will be assigned, and as you become more comfortable and progress in using TRE, you can move up to more difficult or targeted types of sessions. Continue reading new healing techniques to look into

health developments and personal autonomy

Yesterday I wrote an email to my physical therapist letting her know about the assault.

I did so because I’ve barely been able to keep abreast in my progress on taking care of myself. I haven’t been able to improve. If I can keep treading water right now, that’s really the most I feel like I can hope for. Continue reading health developments and personal autonomy